Better Dead than Never
by Gucia
Summary: A meeting of the Order. Where is Severus Snape? Was he summoned? It's not like him to be late... my first fic go easy on me Post OotP. Character death... implied as yet. AU to HBP. Discontinued for now.
1. Better Dead than Never

**Disclaimer:  
Obviously the characters aren't mine or this would be a book rather than a fanfic ;) I'm not making a Knut out of this!**

* * *

Chapter I

_**Better Dead than Never**_

The members of the Order of the Phoenix were slowly filing in to Dumbledore's office and taking up seats around a large table. There'd been a meeting late the night before, but they still had a lot to discuss. It was barely 7.30 and since it was summer, breakfast in the Great Hall would be served at eight. There was no hope of attending it at that time, of course. It had been decided the day before that Harry Potter would be allowed to attend this meeting, though his friends were not given the privilege due to strong protest from Mrs Weasley and some other members.

Everyone arrived and it was a quarter to eight when a letter appeared in front of the Headmaster in a flurry of sparks. They'd all been waiting rather impatiently for the arrival of Professor Severus Snape. The man was never late to a meeting unless he was summoned, but they knew that was not the case this time. He'd only come back from a Death Eater gathering last night.

Professor Dumbledore frowned at the envelope as he picked it up.

"It's from Severus." He explained to the questioning looks he received from everyone.

No-one knew why, but this statement only served to make their uneasy feeling grow. Dumbledore had an unreadable expression on his face when he opened the envelope. As soon as he unfolded the parchment inside, Severus' calm voice spoke from the obviously charmed letter, reciting the words that were written.

'_Dear Albus,_

_My time is growing short, hence this letter contains my will, as well as a few choice words. Do not be alarmed. There is no reason to get up or to send anyone to check up on me. The sight most likely isn't pretty and I'd hate to spoil anyone's breakfast. It is before breakfast, isn't it? Judging by the way I'm going this letter should appear on your table by eight. It's charmed to show up the moment I'm dead. Yes. **DEAD**. Merry Christmas to all of you! Consider this a long overdue present… or an early present. Whichever you prefer. See? I am capable of friendly gestures._

'_I'm afraid this isn't all. I ask you to bear with me and listen to what I have to say. Just one last time. I'm sure you can manage.' _

Loud coughing was heard.

'_On the other hand, why don't you listen to Albus. Could you please read the rest out loud?'  
_

A raspy voice finished. Where was the silky voice they knew? What happened to that alluring, enchanting baritone? Dumbledore's face was filled with disbelief and sorrow. There was no twinkle in his blue eyes as he took a moment to study the shocked faces around him. The Headmaster looked back to the parchment he was holding.

'_This letter consists of several parts. After you read it, it will automatically divide. There are messages to a select group of people (not that I believe many to be interested in what I have to say, but nonetheless). There will also be the will itself, in a form that may be presented to the Ministry._

'_You are probably wondering why not separate everything. Why force you to listen to things that don't concern you? Well, after 37 years of being faced with abhorrence, scorn and mistrust I find a perverse pleasure in giving you an insight I have denied until now. Better dead than never, right? You always did consider me far too inhuman for my liking. Then again, I might just want to torture you some more. I won't get another chance to do so, after all._

'_To my three true friends: Lily Evans-Potter, Lucius Malfoy and Albus Dumbledore, I have nothing to give. _

'_Lily passed away long before her time – leaving sorrow and grief in her wake. What you have given me I could not bring myself to give back to your son, which I shall forever regret. I cannot repay your kindness, but I can give back what else I have received.  
_

'_To Harry Potter I give anything and all that has, until now, served me as memory of Lily. Much of it may surprise you, Harry. Yes – Harry. Not Potter, not the Boy-Who-Lived, not Dumbledore's Golden Boy, not Dunderhead or Gryffindor. Just Harry. That's what your mother asked me to see you as when I saw you, first and last, in Saint Mungo's as a newborn. Need I say that I failed miserably? All I can offer you now are three meaningless, hollow words: I am sorry. Sometimes I had no choice but to be a bastard to you, in others… I chose not to see a choice. I hope my gift to you will give you some insight to what a wonderful person your mother was. You are very much like her. I have sworn to deny it to my grave, so I couldn't admit it till now. The only thing that you have inherited from your father is your appearance. Of course, your Quidditch skills are James' too. You will understand once you've gone through your mother's things.  
As to your father… I'm afraid the truth behind our mutual hatred I have now taken into my grave. Perhaps it is better this way. I do not wish for you to speculate and wonder. Let it rest. However, know this, there are things you don't know and whatever might satisfy your curiosity – it will never be the truth.  
Before I move on, Harry, Lily entrusted me with her diary. There are charms placed on it by Lily herself so don't sue me for reading some of it. She knew she and James were going to die. The book can only be opened by those whom she trusted. Even then, they can only see what she wanted them to. The thought of breaking the charms never even crossed my mind, but knowing Lils the way I did, I'm fairly certain there is no way to do it. She never did things by halves. _

'_Anyway, good luck Harry. It's a pity I won't be there to try to protect you anymore. I know you can generally take care of yourself, but fighting Voldemort is hardly a walk in the park. And Harry, whatever else you might be tempted to believe – the fate of the world does not rest on your shoulders. At least not on yours alone. Coming from me, it may sound crazy, but here goes: you have to let people in, you can't withdraw into yourself. Let others help. You should be grateful that they care enough to want to, rather than pushing them away.  
For the sake of my reputation and our relationship: at least try to follow the rules. They're there to protect you, not to hold you back._

'_Lucius Malfoy. Anything I could have given you – I already have. What could friends offer each other in the face of death that they had not given before? Whenever you needed me, I was there for you – just like you were always there for me. Slytherin loyalty and honour. Only true Slytherins know such terms exist. _

'_Dear friend, we joined the Dark Lord's service together and yet that is where our ways parted. And yet I feel no regret. We have managed to remain friends in spite of our opposing political views. Let me rephrase that. My political views have remained unaltered. I couldn't tolerate the means our Master started using. Maybe not only that. I have always been an individual who tended to have his own judgment and hold his own counsel. Each word He uttered, I questioned and analysed – unlike you, dear Lucius. He is a madman. If He can even be called a man. He seeks nothing more than power and immortality for Himself and Himself alone. Have you ever looked straight into those blood-red eyes? I daresay you have not, Lucius. Or else you would have long ago turned your back on Him. He is a coward. He fears death and He is weak. Not in the sense of His magic. He is strong, He is powerful. Yet where does He draw His strength from? He draws power from the sight of defenceless Muggles or children being tortured and killed at His bidding. Someone with true power does not need endless reassurance, Lucius. Albus Dumbledore does not need to instil fear in people for the whole magical world to show him respect and hold him as the Dark Lord's equal or even as a wizard surpassing His power. The Dark Lord doesn't give a damn about pure-blooded families dying out, about magic being a recessive gene… Surely you must see that by now?_

_It is too late for you to change your views, much less your ways. And yet you knew I had been a spy and you suspected that I still was a double agent. Thank you for keeping your doubts to yourself rather than sharing them with the Dark Lord or other Death Eaters.  
_

'_You have granted me a great honour by asking me to be Draco's godfather. That is why I wish to ask… no… I beg you… I beg you to give the boy a chance to decide for himself. I assure you, I haven't poisoned his mind, I haven't brainwashed him. May the choice be his. It shall affect his entire life, after all. The Dark Mark is a curse that never ceases to burn and haunt. I may have turned my back on the Dark, but I could hardly turn my back on something that was… is engraved into my skin, my soul. No matter what I did, the world always judged me, and always will judge me, by that disgusting Mark on my left forearm. As it will you. Don't sentence your own son to this life. Should he join just to please you, he is likely to follow my footsteps. Should he join because he truly wishes to do so… Well, just remember this, my friend, and tell him this as well: I did not die as a traitor, I died as a loyal slave who happened to look at his Master in a way that displeased Him.  
Mind that Draco is proud and has yet to learn to hold his tongue. _

'_It is a huge relief to me that I will not have to join the final battle. Once our eyes met across the field, we would fight to the death, I now this for a fact, and yet there would be no victory and no triumph – there cannot be between brothers._

'_I will endeavour to cool a place in Hell for you, Lucius._

'_To my godson, Draco Malfoy, I give half of the money that rests in my vault at Gringott's (something near 2.5 billion Galleons)._

_Draco, my only wish is for you to remember everything I have told you. I hope you find your way in life. Whatever it may be, I just want you to be happy. Don't make decisions rashly nor blindly. Once you make your choice, be sure that you are being true to yourself. It's not me or Lucius that will have to live with the repercussions. Remember, and I speak from experience, one wrong turn can ruin your entire life and the worst thing is that you will have to live with yourself after that. _

_Contrary to your beliefs, all is not yet lost and hope is not vain, Draco._

'_The rest of my fortune in gold, along with the real estates and the "Oh so noble and grand" (please note the sarcasm) Snape Manor, I offer to Molly and Arthur Weasley.  
_

'_Molly, my fellow Slytherin. Do your own children even know that? Rather unlikely. Is it really such a shame? Is it really such a dark secret? Why, Molly? Why, Arthur? Isn't Molly Weasley a prime example of how wrong people can be when their judgment is based on foolish prejudice? Isn't she a good, loving mother? A kind woman? Isn't she a member of the Order?  
Why hide, Molly? Slytherin is who you are.  
Recently you have begun to show me some more kindness. You almost acted as though you knew me from our schooldays. Far be it from what we have once shared. Dare I call it a friendship? Definitely. At least after you graduated. Of course, when you were helping a lost, frightened eleven year old boy find his way to Platform 9¾ and then when you were helping him settle in at Hogwarts and in the Den, our relationship was more a mother-son one, wasn't it? I was forever grateful for that, Molly. You know why, so I need not elaborate. Alas, things change. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. No. I know I did, so there is no "if".  
I hope you might find use for that Manor of mine. No hard feelings if you tear the place down, of course. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, Molly and Arthur, but I will risk it. Could you keep my house-elf? Even if you decide not to keep the house itself. Zira is a good elf. One of her more recommending traits is her ability to use English without abusing it. An amazing feat, I assure you. Consider yourselves warned, she is quite used to her status as a free elf and it would be appreciated if you allowed her to maintain it. She's got nowhere to go, but if there's anyone with whom she'd stay out of good will – it's definitely you. _

'_Best wishes for the future! _

'_I've been working on improving the Wolfsbane Potion. I got to a stage where there are only three ways to go. I believe there's a 90 percent chance that it will work. One of the three options that is. I hope it does, Remus Lupin, for your sake. I'm not being cocky or anything, but I believe that right now there is no Potions Master who will be able to help you if it fails. You'll just have to wait for Miss Granger, if she finds the desire to pursue her impressive skills in potion making. It will take time, though. Once again, I'm not being cocky, but you don't become a Potions Master just like that – brilliant mind or not, Miss Granger. Until then, dear werewolf, you are free to use the original formula. I've managed to simplify it. You still won't be able to brew it yourself, but Harry will. Not that I'm admitting the boy has any skill whatsoever. All I'm saying is that you've always been hopeless. As long as Harry concentrates on his brewing rather than hating my guts and glaring at me – I'm sure he'll do fine.  
Oh and by the way, Lupin: I knew you weren't in on that prank. You couldn't have expected me to admit it though, now could you?_

'_Last but not least, dear Albus. I placed all my trust and my hope in you. I gave you my loyalty, my service and, in the end, my life. I am eternally grateful for everything you have done for me and painfully aware that I didn't deserve any of it. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. I'm sorry for being the reason other people began questioning your judgment. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I only wish you didn't blame yourself for that. It wasn't your fault Albus. It was mine and mine alone. James and Sirius were right, so please don't blame yourself or find excuses for me.  
You were like the father I never had and you have done more for me than anyone else. There were things I denied you, there were questions I left unanswered. I will answer one of those, but only so that you can see for yourself how weak and worthless I truly was. You know why I sulked in the dungeons year after year? Why I applied for that Defence Against the Dark Arts position year after year? You see, I may have known that I did not deserve a second chance, forgiveness or your trust, but I still yearned for it. Every time you gave the position to someone else it was like a slap in my face. I was aware that I'd earned it, but it hurt.  
I grew even more bitter and angrier than before. I was never angry at you, Headmaster, I was only angry with myself. It was a stupid thing to demand of you. I should have been satisfied with what trust you did place in me… I mean, if you trusted me during the war, then what more could I ask? That's all that should have mattered to me – not a public statement. _

_I can't say how much I regret that I won't be able to provide information for the Order anymore. Maybe it's just as well that I wasn't found out, but rather just killed outright. I would hardly be of any use to you or the Order if that happened and then… well… It's better this way, though I was hoping for something at least slightly more glamorous. Dying in a battle would have been nice… Oh well, you'd probably like to know exactly what happened at that Death Eater meeting. Like I told Lucius, I looked at that snake-faced bastard with a tad of disgust. Funny. I handled potion ingredients that were truly disgusting on a daily basis, but there's something about that slimy skeleton body… I already had a rough day, as I reported, and I hate it when people intrude on my personal space. A pitiful way to end my spying career, I know, but when that snake started whispering in my ear and touched a bony finger to my face I must have flinched or my disgust may have shown in my eyes for a moment. Voldemort's crazy. I'm not the first one to end up with the Haemorrhagia Intra Curse for something like this. I'm really sorry, I was tired and obviously wasn't in total control. I should have stayed focused. I failed to mention it last night because I didn't see any reason to. The Curse has no cure anyway so why be a bother. That's to the Order, as for you, I wanted to spare you as much worry and concern as I could. _

_Look on the bright side, Lord Snake may finish at least some of his Death Eaters off if he keeps this up._

'_Take care of yourself, Albus and good luck with the war!'_

Professor Dumbledore paused. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts and most were staring at the tabletop as if terribly ashamed and weighed down. Mrs Weasley had tears in her eyes. She bowed her head even more while her husband pulled her closer to him. Mr Weasley had been trying to comfort his wife in vain ever since Professor Snape's voice had announced the Potions Master's untimely death. His face was filled with guilt and sorrow just as was Molly's.

Harry sat in his chair in utter confusion and disbelief. Professor Snape's death had come as a shock to him, but the part of the letter that was addressed to him was completely beyond his comprehension.

"He knew. Last night he knew he was going to die and he didn't even bother telling anyone." Moody growled. "Some spy he was. Leaving out information like this."

"Alastor!" Dumbledore's eyes flared with outrage. All the witches and wizards jumped in their seats.

The old Auror met the Headmaster's gaze, but guiltily averted his eyes. He shouldn't have said that. He knew it. The young Slytherin had proven himself over and over again. Moody, however, couldn't bring himself to fully trust the boy. He'd been his mentor when Snape was training to become an Auror and the knowledge that the younger wizard had been a Death Eater and then Dumbledore's spy had come as a shock. He'd always been rather eccentric and a loner himself and that he'd bothered to make an effort to befriend the reclusive boy spoke volumes of his high esteem for the lad. Alastor still bore a strong feeling of betrayal. Now that he thought about it though, he couldn't say that he blamed Severus for keeping him in the dark. Not with a clear conscience. The boy had apparently joined the Dark Lord before graduating – in his seventh year – and he'd already turned back to the Light by the time he joined the Aurors. Moreover, Snape hadn't known the names of most members of the Order at the time. If he'd shown Alastor his Mark, the older Auror would have undoubtedly thrown him in Azkaban – friend and protégé or not. How could the boy have defended himself if he hadn't known that Mad-Eye belonged to Dumbledore's Order?

"I know you and Severus have had issues that were never really resolved, but you have no right to speak of him this way." Albus spoke sternly. There was so much pain in his eyes and sadness so great, that the old warlock suddenly looked the age he truly was.

Moody didn't answer. Usually he wouldn't have answered out of stubbornness and pride – now he was lost in thought.

"Why didn't he say anything, Professor?" Tonks ventured quietly.

"My guess is as good as anyone's, Miss Tonks, though I believe we all have our suspicions." The Headmaster's voice was rough and he cleared his throat. "There's more. Perhaps there is an explanation as well."

'_It was long, I know, but I didn't feel like sitting around brooding or sleeping. There is an upside to this whole waiting, you know. It helps put things into perspective. _

'_There are many things concerning the Order of the Phoenix and its members that I often wished to say out loud. Unfortunately, the vain hope that I could earn your trust and perhaps some respect always held me back – not anymore, though._

'_Dear everyone, with the exception of the aforementioned people (even if their name is only mentioned briefly), there is one thing that comes to mind first when I think about this being my goodbye to the Order's official and unofficial members: FUCK YOU!  
I'm sorry, but try as I might, I couldn't find a more suitable phrase._

'_You say that pure-bloods (a.k.a. Death Eaters in your eyes) are: prejudiced, cruel, unreasonable, inconsiderate, arrogant etc. etc. etc. Let me tell you something – as much as I respect you, you are not so different from them as you'd like to think. Why?_

'_1. You judge pure-blooded wizards as harshly as Voldemort's supporters judge Muggles, Muggleborns and Half-bloods. What right does the Almighty Order of the Phoenix have to condemn on such grounds? Pure-blooded does not equal Death Eater or even future Death Eater. Whether you like it or not, you owe a lot to these ancient families. If not for them, where would the wizarding world be now? The war is against Voldemort and His followers, not against wizards of certain bloodlines. You cannot dismiss the achievements of old wizard families. They are all related to each other and thus related to wizards such as the Founders, Morgana and even Merlin himself. _

'_Lord Voldemort is a Half-blood and yet He has devoted His entire life to ridding the world of His own kind as well Muggles and Muggle-borns. _

'_You are hypocritical. You say you fight against Him and the crazy prejudice He spreads. Okay. But honestly, aren't you just as prejudiced yourselves? All of you consider the House of Slytherin as the source and stronghold of evil. Every innocent, eleven year old child to be sorted into my House was always viewed as the Devil incarnate or the next Dark Lord. I'm not sure if you are being deliberately obtuse or perhaps you truly don't see what your actions can – and already are – leading to. _

'_With Voldemort back, Slytherins need your acceptance more than ever. You can't just abandon them. Even students such as Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle aren't sure whether they want to follow in their fathers' footsteps. Crabbe and Goyle are imbeciles, there's no subtle way of putting it. If not for Draco, they would already be Marked. There's not much hope for them because they couldn't think for themselves if their lives depended on it, but Malfoy can be swayed. _

'_The entire Order has been preaching me about how I shouldn't treat Harry poorly just because I hated his father. My response: look in a mirror. In regard to Draco, I'm biased so may he be excluded, but you judge all the other kids by their families or just by their belonging to Slytherin. You give everyone else a chance to prove themselves, be fair, they deserve a chance too. _

'_You could not possibly understand what it's like to be in Salazar's House unless you are Slytherin. If you don't believe me, ask Molly. It's not as black and white as you would like it to be. _

'_Something has to be done and fast to bring Slytherin closer to Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. While Umbridge helped the other three Houses and the staff to unite, she also managed to make the rift between Slytherin and the rest of the school greater than ever before. Right now I know that my students are very confused. They need guidance. Truth be told, they needed it from an outside source long before now. My duties as a double agent made it rather impossible for me to fill that role properly. I needed all the cunning I could spare to at least make them feel insecure enough to wait and ask questions. Someone needs to point them in the right direction or they'll all join Voldemort either out of bitterness or lack of options. Don't get me wrong, some of them truly believe Him to be the most powerful wizard of all time and think serving Him is the greatest possible honour, but what more can be expected from Death Eater children or kids who have no idea of what this war is really about?  
_

'_Pure-blooded families in general and Death Eater families in particular are far from being peaceful households filled with love and affection. Children coming from such homes need a place to belong, they desperately want to fit in and be accepted. Their House and housemates usually provide them with the surrogate family they desire. There's one cardinal rule in Slytherin: What happens in the Den, stays in the Den. Parental influence aside, that alone keeps the students from mingling with others. If you continue to incriminate and alienate Slytherins just for being who they are, I'm afraid Voldemort will indeed gain an army out of them. Cunning, ambitious, slippery, sarcastic, evil – whatever you call us, Slytherins stick together. Personally, I would do all in my power to mend fences if I were you. When they turn to the Dark Lord, they will do it as one. The Light cannot afford the loss._

'_2. The use of Unforgivables and torture has always been abused by the Ministry. Even before it was legalised, the law was being constantly manipulated to suit the purposes of influential wizards such as Lucius Malfoy or overambitious Ministry officials such as Bartemius Crouch. As a Death Eater, I used both and not always with hesitation. The point is that, due to my position, I _**could , **or** had to **_use them. You, on the other hand, under no circumstances should degrade yourselves like that. If someone joins Voldemort, they can't have high moral standards… or rather they shouldn't have them at all and definitely not for show. Thankfully, I have given up hope of having a clear conscience nearly two decades ago, but I have a feeling that you haven't. Knowing that you have sinned beyond the possibility of redemption hardly means that you should continue, nonetheless, I suppose it does put a dent in your enthusiasm. That was my excuse when I was fighting for the Light, when I was fighting for the Dark – I convinced myself that it was for a good cause, that I had to remain at Voldemort's side for as long as I could in order to help the Light win this war. Niccolo Macchiavelli's idea of politics may have merit on the large scale, but it's a lot more complicated when you actually have to choose between a greater and a smaller evil on the spot on a daily basis. It's easier to be the prince commanding the lions and foxes and more so being the lion than it is being the fox. Each of these decisions has a troublesome tendency to haunt ceaselessly, just as the face of the victim you cast an Unforgivable upon or like the eyes of a tortured person that plague your dreams. No excuses are truly valid when it comes to your conscience. You can find reasonable and logical excuses, you can even convince yourself that they are rightful, but in mind only I am afraid. _

'_This is yet another warning. Be wary. You are currently following a path that will cause your gradual descend into darkness. Believe me, I've been there myself. You're the Order of the Phoenix so don't sink to Voldemort's level._

'_3. Like I said before, you accuse the Dark Lord of being prejudiced and narrow-minded. While His true reasons for discriminating (or rather exterminating) witches and wizards not of pure-blooded lineage are unreasonable and quite pitiful, most Death Eaters join His ranks due to their ideals. Have any of you heard about genetics? It's a Muggle thing and it's only been quite recently that they made some very interesting discoveries with it. Thanks to their latest technology and new methods, I was able to determine, once and for all, what the wizarding world has feared for centuries. Magic is a recessive gene, which translates to it being weaker than the inability to use magic. There are three types of genes that determine whether or not a person will be able to perform magic. Everyone possesses a pair of each of these genes. I've hidden my research from Voldemort, naturally, but during a surprise visit, Lucius found out about it. I explained it to him, but he is sworn to secrecy. Of course, there's some Dark Magic involved in that promise, so you have nothing to fear. He is bound by both his honour and a variety of spells not to reveal the secret even now that I am dead. As it was that I was still courting Voldemort's trust at that time, I'd told Lucius that I wasn't finished with the research anyway._

'_I'm afraid the papers are charmed and it might take a while to actually find them. Sorry, I wouldn't have been able to get home even if I tried. I will give you a condensed version of the results._

"_D" will stand for dominant and it means a gene without magical ability_

"_r" will stand for the recessive gene of magical ability _

_**Possible genetic combinations in regard to magic:**_

* * *

_**Muggle:**_

* * *

_DD _

_DD_

_DD_

* * *

_DD_

_DD_

_Dr_

* * *

**_Muggle – with great insight, a sixth sense or a Squib:_**

* * *

_DD_

_DD_

_rr_

* * *

_DD_

_Dr_

_rr_

* * *

**_Wizard – every pure-blood and some lucky Half-bloods:_**

* * *

_rr_

_rr_

_rr_

* * *

**_Wizard – average one:_**

* * *

_rr_

_rr_

_Dr_

* * *

**_Wizard – with weak powers, possible enhancement of Seer abilities (varies depending on which pair of genes is "DD"):_**

* * *

_rr_

_rr_

_DD_

* * *

'_These results are somewhat different from what could be expected after reading what Muggles have discovered of genetics. It's merely because we're dealing with magic here and not hair colour. Magic can bend the rules a little._

'_These are facts and you would do well to accept them. I've also been struggling to find a means to resolve this problem. I already know that there are no spells or charms, Light or Dark, that could be of use. I managed to concoct a potion that lessens the chances of conceiving a Squib by 20-60 percent (in each possible instance and the effectiveness depends solely on the individuals involved). It's not perfect, but at least it's something to placate purebloods with._

'_Anyway, at least you can see for yourselves that the pureblood mantra does have some merit. They fear the decreasing numbers of wizardborns and they don't appreciate the changes in our culture. Muggle influence is growing stronger and it concerns politics, clothing… to put it bluntly, there's Muggle influence **everywhere **in our world nowadays. Sometimes it is a good thing, but not always. _

'_4. I'm not the first person to point out this particular flaw in our society: the treatment of house-elves and half-breeds. There's no need to elaborate really. You all know Lupin and Hagrid and some others as well. While you treat your friends justly and not based on what they are, that tolerance does not stretch so far as to include strangers who are in the same condition. And most of you who have wealth enough, keep house-elves. My own house-elf remained with me out of choice, because she was freed right after the death of my father (may he rot in Hell). So, despite always expressing views to the contrary, I actually **did **something to promote an equal status for other races._

'_Well, I guess that covers it. I don't think there's much more I could say to you. Writing this letter was probably rather foolish and undoubtedly pointless, but it's not like I'm going to be there to suffer from it. I hope you can put aside your hatred of my person and give some thought to all this. I never really was one of you and I chose not to be one of my own kind, so my judgment is fairly objective. This letter is free of most of the bitterness and cynicism with which I'd come to regard the world. It could prove useful._

'_With that same spirit, I wish all of you the best of luck, I'd ask you to forget about me, but that's hardly necessary. Goodbye then.'_

_Signed,_

_Severus Snape _

* * *

**A/N**

**Reviews are very welcome! It's my first fic (first posted one at least) and I don't think it's very good, but I had to start somewhere. I'm working on a Sirius… serious one (though Sirius is going to be there) that's going to be veeery long. Hopefully it'll turn out better than this. English isn't my first language so there's another reason for you to be kind ;)**

**I'm not sure whether I should continue or leave this one as it is. Initially, it wasn't supposed to be one-shot. What do you think?**

**_Haemorrhagia – bleeding_**

_**Intra – internal, inside**_

**At least that's where my curse came from. I need to look some things up and perhaps change it. I should ask my teacher how to say this correctly. Not that it's really that relevant. If I decide to write more of this story, I'll give more details about this curse, though I suppose everyone has a fair idea of what it does… poor Severus. **


	2. Fateful meetings

**Disclaimer:  
Obviously the characters aren't mine or this would be a book rather than a fanfic ;) I'm not making a Knut out of this!**

* * *

Chapter II

_**Fateful Meetings** _

Severus shivered against the piercing cold wind that blew through his torn cloak. Giving himself a swift mental shake, he cautiously swept the cloaked and masked figures around him with a quick, measuring glance. Thankfully, no-one seemed to have noticed his momentary lapse. Everybody was preoccupied with putting up their own façade of strength.

'Merlin, that was close!' Severus thought, resisting the urge to heave a deep sigh of relief. With the strong wind howling over the graveyard it would have gone unnoticed, however, that hadn't been Snape's primary concern in this case.

His throat and lungs were giving him a lot of trouble at the moment. Breathing was still quite difficult, even though he was no longer anywhere near the hot air and thick smoke of the orphanage the Dark Lord had ordered his Death Eaters to burn. Why he'd been so adamant to destroy it, along with all the Muggle children that lived there, Severus didn't know. Though he did suspect that this last mission was, like many others before, strongly related to Tom Riddle's past.

'That's just pathetic! And He calls Himself a Lord.'

The distance between Severus and the orphanage did nothing to quell the churning of his stomach. 'Not now, damn it! Not now!' He thought frantically as bile rose in his throat. Severus tried desperately to drive away the horrid images, the screams… He kept his mouth firmly shut, even though he was close to blacking out. Snape's head seemed to be on the verge of exploding as every next rush of blood increased the intensity of the pain and nausea.

"I am greatly disappointed in you, my _loyal _Death Eaters." Lord Voldemort's hissing voice broke in on Severus' thoughts.

Cold dread replaced all coherent thought. 'He knows! He suspects!' Severus momentarily panicked. Fresh sweat drenched his entire body. The icy wind blew harder, the freezing air on his clammy skin instantly helping clear the fog that had settled over his mind. 'Impossible. If He even suspected my disloyalty, I'd already be dead or tortured, with a death sentence hanging over my miserable head. Get a grip on yourself, Severus, not everything's about you! Our Master is just getting increasingly paranoid!' Severus sneered inwardly.

Sufficiently calmed, Snape cleared his mind of any excess thought and information. If someone could look underneath the Death Eater mask he was wearing, they'd see that his features were schooled to a look of humility and submission. It almost caused him excruciating, physical pain to swallow his pride during these gatherings.

Having ascertained that he wasn't in an immediate danger of being exposed as a spy, Severus took a moment to examine his physical and medical condition.

'My nausea and headache are probably more due to carbon monoxide than anything else. I've seen death countless times, it shouldn't affect me like this anymore. I've caused it often enough. Besides, there was nothing more I could have done for those kids. I'd managed to save more of them than even I thought possible…'

His black eyes followed the purposeful movement of his Master… former Master.

The Dark Lord had entered the large circle His Death Eaters were forming and was making His way along the ranks of His cloaked followers. The Inner Circle, thoroughly depleted after the fiasco at the Ministry of Magic last June, stood on the inside of the larger circle made out of Death Eaters of lower status. The Dark Lord always examined and questioned the Inner Circle last.

'One of the few things a person can be certain of in His service. The Dark Lord always follows protocol.'

Severus grimaced in a mixture of disgust and contempt as a Junior Member of the Outer Circle fell to the ground with a series of blood curdling screams. He couldn't help but feel proud of his position in the Inner Circle. 'To be on the same level as that trash… Unthinkable!'

At the same time, Voldemort lifted the Cruciatus Curse off the youth. His mask had slipped from his thin, tanned face during his mad thrashing in the dirt. There were tears in his huge, blue eyes.

'Pathetic! Even though he's still just a kid as far as I'm concerned.' Severus looked on in distaste. 'As long as His new recruits are like this guy the Light stands a better chance at winning this war.' He smirked behind his mask, but a brief pain gripped his heart as Snape recognised the boy as a former Slytherin who'd graduated only the year before. He'd been a very bright student, exceptionally so. He could have easily chosen another career. 'At least he could have, if he hadn't been a Slytherin or if he'd had ties to people of great influence in the Ministry.' Severus thought bitterly. 'A bookworm, I don't think he'd ever had a fight with a member of another House, much less his own. He usually kept in the dark but his Housemates liked him nonetheless. And that certainly means a lot. Anthony Drake. No parents, raised in an orphanage, comes from a pure-blooded family that has died out from in-breeding. Merlin what irony! The last hope of a family, whose ancestors reach back as far as King Arthur, grovelling at the feet of a Half-blooded upstart!'

Severus gave himself the second mental shake this night. 'Thoughts like this are suicide!' He chided. 'Carbon monoxide, that's what it is. I'm on the verge of losing consciousness and here I am, forced to stand in this freak cold! How am I supposed to pay attention anyway?'

Meanwhile, Voldemort had made His way to the centre of the IC.

"The Inner Circle shall stay. The rest of you are dismissed! Get out of my sight!"

'Quality time with the Dark Lord, just what I needed.' Severus thought bitterly. He couldn't help but feel worried. Spending any amount of time in the Dark Lord's presence was a terrible hazard, at all times and under any given circumstances. Severus was very much aware of the difficulty he seemed to have with concentrating.

It wasn't normal for his thoughts to wander from the situation at hand. He was supposed to gather information. It was his responsibility to stay alert at all times. It was even more than a responsibility – it was a necessity. If he let his defences down – he would be dead. As simple as that.

The sense of guilt and regret in regard to that Junior Death Eater was certainly out of place, as was his inner narrative of what was going on around him.

Automatically, Severus followed his fellow Death Eaters towards Riddle's house. Usually, he would have used this opportunity to study his companions and listen in on their conversations. As responsible as he was, Snape's heart wasn't in it tonight.

Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping his head from drooping was all he managed to accomplish.

Severus tried taking deeper breaths – he needed air, even if it was cold and even if it hurt like Hell to breathe. On top of him nearly suffocating, some debris had fallen on him while he'd been trying to shield a group of small children from the all-consuming flames. He'd cast a protective charm over himself earlier, but its effectiveness was limited to preventing him from catching fire and getting burnt. His cloak, on the other hand, was torn in many places and there were multiple lacerations all over his body. He was fairly certain that his ribs weren't broken or cracked, but they were definitely badly bruised.

Listing his injuries was difficult enough. The splitting headache wasn't easing at all. Even thinking was painful.

'What is wrong with me? I've been in a worse state on many occasions and I hadn't had this sort of trouble concentrating.'

Severus nearly moaned aloud as he stumbled on one of the steps leading to Riddle's residence. He managed to catch himself on the wall.

Snape hadn't noticed it before, but he'd been lagging behind. There was no-one else behind him. Grateful for this fact, the tall man leaned against the hard, rough stones behind his back. Under the hideous white mask charcoal eyes closed tiredly.

He only had a few seconds; he shouldn't be allowing himself to seek comfort here at all. Unfortunately, it was one thing to be able to rationally analyse the situation and come to these obvious conclusions, yet to force his traitorous body to cooperate was an entire different story.

Luckily enough, Severus had always been careful not to develop too many habits while he was amongst the Death eaters. His position was precarious enough for him to be extra careful in everything he did.

If, for instance, his colleagues got used to him being at the front of the group, or in the middle, or near the end – then that is where he would always have to be, especially now that Voldemort truly was getting more and more paranoid. Severus shifted his position randomly in order to remain inconspicuous.

Lucius Malfoy, arrogant as he was, always kept to the front. As did Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange.

Severus often accompanied his friend in the first line, but with Lucius still locked away by the Ministry, there was no point suffering the Lestranges' company. The hostility between him and Bellatrix was common knowledge to the IC and the Dark Lord, so that gave Severus a plausible explanation.

It wasn't uncommon for him to stay a little behind either. He sometimes used the opportunity to contact Dumbledore under the pretence of being engrossed in his latest research. After that, he usually had to actually have something to show Lord Voldemort, but that was something he was always prepared for.

His love for potions had saved his life countless times. The list of poisons he'd developed was unbelievably long. What he liked most about those potions was that he was the only one who could actually make them. They were more than ten times more complex than Wolfsbane and that was saying a lot. It stroked his ego just the right way.

Plus, from a moral and ethical point of view, the complexity of his poisons made them quite harmless to society. While he was the Dark Lord's personal brewer, it was expected of him to produce poisons on a regular basis, but it didn't matter whether these poisons were new ones he'd researched, or old ones. They were used just the same. The fact that the arsenal was rapidly growing didn't change anything, as long as he was the only one who had the entirety of it at his disposal.

Even Dumbledore understood this reasoning.

'Dumbledore!' Severus felt as though he'd been awakened from slumber. He whipped his head around. The rest of the Death Eaters were still close by.

It had felt like an eternity.

He wished it had been. Maybe then his body wouldn't feel so heavy and utterly drained.

Severus felt blackness claiming him.

His consciousness screamed for him to fight it… to no avail.

In a last ditch effort to regain control, his mind supplied the memory of the day which had changed his life…

**_It was a warm, sunny day in October. Hogwarts' students were all on the grounds. Some were studying on the grass, among fallen leaves, while others were simply enjoying themselves. Making the most of what had to be one of the last days of fine weather this year. _**

_**A flock of brooms was hovering over the Quidditch pitch. A group of older students was practising transfiguring fallen leaves into rats and sticks into snakes at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. **_

**_Students, who looked to be Fourth and Fifth Years, were playing tag by the lake._**

**_First Years were having a wild fight against Second Years, levitating or simply throwing leaves at each other. _**

_**All of this was accompanied by laughter and a huge dose of shouting.**_

_**Only one person remained unaffected by the wonderful weather and the cheerful atmosphere it seemed to evoke in everyone and everything. **_

_**Wearing a heavy, black cloak with the hood covering half of its face and casting the rest in shadow, a tall figure stood just inside the Forbidden Forest – far away from the students attempting their transfigurations. **_

**_Hidden from sight by the thicket of trees and bushes, a terrible war was taking place. Terrible, because it would affect many lives. Terrible, due to its personal, internal nature. _**

**_Severus Snape, a twenty year old young man of extraordinary intelligence was about to make a life-altering decision. _**

**_He'd come here to think. He'd come here because he had doubts. He'd come here, because these doubts were making his life impossible. _**

**_Severus kept to the shadows. He felt safe and quite comfortable there. The light of the Sun hurt his eyes, which had grown accustomed to the dark, and it burnt his pale skin too easily for him to be able to enjoy its warmth. These symptoms were the courtesy of his father. He'd kept his son locked in the cellar and dungeon in his castle too often and too long. _**

**_Of course, Severus' interest in Potions had paid off. He'd been able to make a special cream to protect his skin from sunburns or to soothe existing ones when he was seven. He hadn't had the opportunity to test any of them until he was ten, though. All of that hadn't really dampened Severus' spirits when it came to spending time outside. As a ten year old, he was allowed to spend two hours, every Saturday and Sunday, on the grounds surrounding his father's castle. Before that, outside excursions used to be a rarity at best. _**

**_When Severus' mother was still alive his childhood had been a normal one. He'd been five when all that he knew was changed dramatically. Severus hadn't seen how it had happened, but he'd heard it. His mother and father were having an argument, which, in itself, was entirely normal and very frequent. Snape Senior often used violence in order to "better explain" his views, so Severus hadn't thought much of his mothers screams and cries. He'd felt as scared and achingly helpless as ever, but he'd seen no reason for this particular argument to end differently than they always did._**

**_He'd been wrong. _**

_**With that had come the end of Severus' normal, happy childhood. **_

**_Even though the light hurt him, Severus was always strongly drawn to it. It reminded him of his mother. His memories had faded over time and only images were left – the clearest, brightest of them all was the image of his mother playing with him outside, in the warm and bright sunshine. _**

**_Darkness was something Severus attributed to his father, first and foremost, but also to the Dark Lord. It had never made him truly comfortable. He'd always been afraid of it. He knew now that he'd been wrong when he'd believed the Dark Lord's words when He'd told him that the greatest secrets and the greatest knowledge could only be found in the Dark and through the Dark._**

**_The Light hid as many secrets as the Dark, and there was also just as much knowledge in the Light as there was in the Dark. It was different, true, but it was there. _**

**_The Shadows were somewhere in the middle – that's why they felt safe. They were different shades of grey, but there was no true distinction between black and white, Dark and Light, wrong and right, evil and good… _**

**_There was a balance there and everything needed balance. The whole world was constructed that way. _**

_**Severus knew that he didn't belong to the Light, he couldn't belong to the Light. Yet neither did he belong to the Dark. He couldn't belong to the Dark, if he was afraid of it and hated it with all his heart. **_

_**What should he choose? **_

**_The Shadows were a good place to hide, to seek refuge, even to live amongst. They were a good place to think, but it was impossible to commit to them. And a commitment was what Severus had to make. A commitment to the Dark, or a commitment to the Light…_**

**_A life of endless fear and hate, or a life of endless pain…_**

_**The choice was his and it would change his life forever…**_

**_Bracing himself, Severus moved past the last row of trees in the Forbidden Forest. With quick, confident strides he made his way towards the Castle of Hogwarts._**

**_He would have his entire life to deal with regrets, he would have the Shadows where he could stay; but, most importantly, he would know where his allegiances lie, even if he knew he couldn't belong there with them. _**

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**A/N**

**I know it sucks, but please, please don't send any Howlers! Reviews are always welcome though, especially those containing an honest critique… Oh! Now I really am scared! **

**I wasn't sure if I could attribute Severus' raspy voice just to the Haemorrhagia Intra Curse – probably not – plus I had to elaborate on the "rough day" as Severus called it in his letter. I hope I didn't mess it up. This chapter sort of edited itself while I was typing it onto my computer so I had to split it in two. I'll have to rewrite the second part.**

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**Phinea Rogue: Thank you very much for your review! I wasn't really expecting any response so it came as a huge (though very pleasant) surprise! ;D **

**Internal bleeding wouldn't have taken as long to kill a person, but that's why this Curse was special – it dragged it out as long as possible. The way I see it, the bleeding wasn't proceeding steadily. It lasted a short while, stopped and then started again. That's the point of suffering after all… I'm so cruel! ;)**

**Flashbacks? Most assuredly! There are also two ways I could possibly go with this story, so sit tight. ;D**

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**Porcelain Prayer: Thank you very much for your review! It meant a lot so I hope to hear from you again.**

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**WeasleyGirl-ca: Thank you very much for your review! I hope to hear form you again because it was very inspiring! **

**No, I'm not a science student… yet. I hope I'm going to be though. ;D **

**Well, I am planning to elaborate on those individual reactions, now that I'm probably going to continue, in a large part, thanks to you. ;) I thought it would be a good idea to settle some other things first. Severus' past is a great unknown and since I've decided to create it, I might as well show what I have in mind. Uh oh… maybe I've said too much?**

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**Lilith11: Thank you very much for your review! **

**I'd like to see him live with the repercussions too! LOL! ;D **

**As you can see, Severus is not dead… yet. He wasn't even cursed… yet! LOL! Just wait and see. I can technically go either way with this. ;P**

**Btw it makes me very sad to see those elegant hands of his being almost completely out of order :'( so we should be even. ;P**

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**snarkyroxy: Thank you very much for your review! **

**WOW! I don't think I really deserve all that praise… correction: I know I don't! Thank you very much! I'll look into that invitation later this week because I've got a lot of studying to do. ;(**

**I was worried that Snape was totally out of character and that the letter wouldn't be believable even if you take into consideration that he's dying a slow and painful death… You've eased my fears, maybe now I can sleep at night. Oh wait! I won't because I've just sent another chapter to haunt me! ;P**

**I hope to hear from you again!**

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**Oya: Thank you very much for your review!**

**I don't know, most people would like him to be saved wouldn't they? Let me sleep on it. ;) **

**Btw: what's this C2 you wrote about? Sorry, but I really haven't got a clue. I've probably made an idiot out of myself… ;D**

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**lucidity: Thank you very much for your review! **

**Don't worry, if it doesn't work out well, I'll just remove the next chapters and it'll be a one-shot. ;D **

**I have three tenses at my disposal, don't I? I don't necessarily have to write about the future. At the moment we're stuck in the present while relieving the past. No harm done to the story, I hope. ;) **

**You're too kind! I hope you review this chapter too.**


	3. Fateful meetings part two

**Disclaimer:**  
Obviously the characters aren't mine or this would be a book rather than a fanfic ;) I'm not making a Knut out of this!

**A/N**

**Sorry it took so long! I assure you, I don't have excuses, I have reasons and there's a difference! ;P I had this chapter ready to be sent a day before the Pope died… I'm Polish and a catholic and his death hit me pretty hard. Even though I never was overly religious. I still can't really believe it! I'm 17 and ever since I can remember we had our Polish Pope in Rome and now… It's strange and I don't know how I'm going to get used to this.**

**Sorry about that, but sometimes it feels better to write down what's bothering you… Nope, hasn't worked yet… maybe the method is outdated? **

**Ok, here goes, the next awful chapter of an awful story! ;P Enjoy!**

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Chapter III

_**Fateful meetings – part two**_

-back to the Death Eater gathering; Severus is still leaning against the wall as his mind wanders-

"I'd made my choice." Severus muttered. "Now I have to live with it."

'I could leave now. I could Apparate to Hogsmeade and that would be the end of it… I could but I won't.' He sighed, momentarily forgetting his aching throat and chest and instantly feeling sorry for it. 'I owe Dumbledore as much. The Dark Lord has to be up to something, if He's called a separate meeting for the IC. Dumbledore and his Order will need to know about this... whatever **this** is.'

Severus' weary mind drifted to the past again, despite his best efforts to stay focused…

"_**Mr Snape? How… unexpected… it is to see you here. Last I heard you received an offer of apprenticeship from a Potions Master in India." Professor McGonagall was startled by her former student's sudden appearance at Hogwarts as she nearly bumped into him in a corridor near the Headmaster's office. **_

"**_Professor McGonagall." The young man acknowledged his former Transfiguration teacher. He couldn't help feeling like a student again at hearing the same stern voice that used to punish him so very often. The realisation that she couldn't give him detention or take house points took a long moment before it fully dawned on him. "Yes indeed, but now I am back again. I'm here to see the Headmaster." He curtly explained. There was no reason to bother with small talk when he had no desire of _**talking**_ to the Head of Gryffindor at all. _**

**_Minerva McGonagall seemed to be in total agreement. She'd never had much love for the Slytherin boy even when he had been a child. They'd got off at a bad start, so to speak._**

"_**I see. Well, you know where his office is then. The password is Fudge. Now, if you'd excuse me? Good day." **_

_**With that, she was gone, rounding the nearest corner so quickly, that Severus barely had time for a "Good day" of his own. He was so used to people being impolite to him that he barely noticed the older woman's brusque manner, not that he cared though.**_

_**Setting his lips in a neutral line rather than the scowl they'd curled into of their own accord, the dark-haired man continued on his way to meet with Dumbledore… or to meet his Fate, as he later came to regard the meeting as. **_

_**Engrossed in his thoughts, Severus gave the password he'd acquired to the gargoyle guarding the entrance to Albus Dumbledore's office. He took a deep, calming breath before stepping onto the spiral staircase. If his mind was made up, it was bloody well made up – backing away now was not an option.**_

_**He knocked on the gleaming oak door with confidence he couldn't possibly feel, not using the brass, griffon knocker. His face was a perfect mask of indifference. Ebony eyes were void of all emotion. He straightened himself, his head held high, eyes looking forward unfalteringly. **_

_**Footsteps were heard from within the office. They moved closer and the door creaked in protest as it was opened.**_

"**_I really have to do something about this door." Dumbledore said with a small frown, then he turned his sky-blue eyes to regard Severus. A smile made new lines appear on the Headmaster's ancient face. "Severus, what a pleasant surprise! Do come in my boy."_**

_**With that, the white-haired wizard opened the door wider and stepped back to allow his guest entrance.**_

'_**I wonder if he has any idea how aggravating that endless twinkling of his eyes can be?' Severus thought in irritation. **_

"_**Good afternoon, Headmaster Dumbledore." He said respectfully, with a slight bow of his dark head. Whatever else could be said about the young man's disposition, his manners were always impeccable.**_

_**Dumbledore inclined his head in the young man's direction in turn, treating him as the adult he was and with the just respect he'd earned through his perfect school record. He closed the door and moved behind his desk. The Headmaster indicated the chair opposite him with a sweep of his hand before sitting down. **_

"_**Please, take a seat, my boy." The pleasant, kind smile never left his face. "Would you care for some tea?"**_

"_**No, thank you, Headmaster." Severus replied just as he sat in the chair he'd been directed to. **_

"_**A bite to eat perhaps? It's such a nice day outside. Fairly remarkable for this time of year, wouldn't you say? You probably had a long journey to get here, you must be hungry." The old warlock was just about to call a house-elf when Severus understood his intentions. He didn't want any interruptions. It had taken him long enough to come to a decision, there was no point stalling. Besides, he may not have had anything to eat the second day in a row, but that didn't mean he was hungry. He wasn't. He was never much of an eater and he couldn't eat when he was nervous. There were no outward signs of his distress and he'd cleared his mind in case Dumbledore tried using Legilimency, but there was a storm raging inside him.**_

"_**No, Headmaster, thank you very much but I am not hungry." He said in a slight rush. He could have kicked himself. Dumbledore frowned at him, but resumed his smile after a moment of consideration. Severus cleared his throat, cursing himself inwardly because he could recognise stalling when he saw it. "Professor, I came here to discuss something with you, something of great importance." He paused, not offering anything more. The man knew he had to test the water first because he couldn't just blurt out what he wanted to say.**_

_**If his life was to be forfeit then so be it, but there was a chance it didn't have to be and Severus' Slytherin nature would be damned if he didn't at least try to take it. **_

"**_I see. I expected as much. Few people come to see me unless they want or need something. No-one comes here just to visit, drink a cup of tea anymore… But alas, that is the price you pay for holding a position of high authority." The silver-haired warlock said wistfully and sighed. Dumbledore poured himself a cup of tea and added three lumps of sugar. Severus grimaced at the thought of how sweet the drink was going to be before schooling his features to a neutral look. It was none of his business after all._**

"**_Not to mention being the most powerful wizard in the world." Severus added studying the Headmaster's reaction. He wanted confirmation – desperately so._**

"**_You really think that, Severus?" Dumbledore spoke softly, his eyes never ceasing to twinkle, though he arched an eyebrow. Taking a sip of his tea, the man grimaced and added even more lumps of sugar. Severus nearly winced at the sight, but caught himself just in time. _**

"**_Everyone thinks that." The reply came with the quiet conviction of someone repeating a commonly known truth, mechanically and without feeling._**

"**_That is not what I asked you, my boy. Do _**you**_ really think that? Do _**you**_ truly believe me the most powerful wizard in the world? Is that why you came here?"_**

**_Severus' heart beat harder against his ribcage, his pulse quickening rapidly. Was it possible that the old man already knew why Severus had come to him? Was he just playing with him, were there Aurors waiting to collect him at any moment? Or maybe Dumbledore was simply awaiting the arrival of Dementors?_**

**_Snape no longer had any options. All he could do was proceed as he'd planned, continue the conversation he was having with Dumbledore and see how things would play out. He'd come prepared for the worst. He was ready to face whatever Fate had in store for him… In his short life, he'd already seen and suffered through things most people didn't have to face in a whole lifetime. Severus looked at the Headmaster since, as he'd been pondering the question, his gaze had strayed to the fire cracking with deceptive innocence and playfulness in the fireplace. The old warlock's eyes were twinkling in their usual manner. The Headmaster was obviously awaiting a response._**

_**Seeing those happily glittering eyes upon him, young Severus was forced to wonder at the wisdom of turning to Dumbledore in his current plight. The well-seasoned man gave the distinct impression of… well, of being utterly deranged, to be perfectly honest. Snape couldn't help thinking that perhaps his friends and acquaintances within the Dark Lord's ranks may have been right. Perhaps the great Albus Dumbledore really was no more than a crazy old fool? **_

**_Far from being in the office of the Headmaster of Hogwarts for the first time, having spent more than ample time inside as a student, Severus now eyed his surroundings with a critical eye. He saw a lunascope, familiar-looking silver instruments which he'd studied many a time before, the portraits of the previous headmasters and headmistresses… then there was Fawkes. The phoenix met his gaze and the young man found himself unable to look away. The bird had always fascinated Severus, they'd even come to an agreement during Snape's school years. Fawkes' behaviour today was odd at best. He dismissed these thoughts promptly._**

**_Wanting to look Dumbledore straight in the eye as he spoke, Snape once again had to drag his gaze to the Headmaster's face. What he saw there made him reevaluate his opinion of the old wizard. He'd come close to underestimating the threat he posed. Masked by the unnerving twinkling was a gaze so intense and calculating that it made Severus' blood run cold. There was a hint of steel in those blue eyes – strength and power that was not to be trifled with. It was something he'd never seen in them before, or perhaps he just hadn't noticed, not knowing what to look for. The piercing gaze reminded the young man all too strongly of his late father and of the Dark Lord. If he never saw those hateful red eyes again, he certainly wouldn't mind – his life would be all the better for it. _**

_**Meanwhile, Albus Dumbledore was conducting a character study of his own. He watched the boy in front of him very carefully. Boy. Those dark eyes clearly stated that this was no boy anymore, even if his appearance didn't.**_

**_Sitting down, Severus didn't have the benefit of his great height. His gaunt face, with its alabaster complexion and huge, fathomless black eyes, seemed very childlike, even with the prominent nose and the raven hair forming greasy curtains on either side of his high cheekbones. _**

**_The old Headmaster was astounded by young Snape's firm control over his emotions and the blank look in his eyes. It was more than just not allowing his feelings and thoughts to surface – the boy had strong mental shields around himself. Dumbledore had to wonder when he'd become an Occlumens – and one as accomplished as this. Had he really missed so much of his life? Had he paid the Slytherin so little attention that he'd never even noticed him working on learning this complex art? It had been two years since Severus' graduation, not enough time to perfect Occlumency like this. Obviously, he must have began learning at Hogwarts, because, without even attempting to bring those protective walls down, Dumbledore knew that it would be impossible to enter Snape's mind without resorting to a brutal attack on his mind – and even then, the Headmaster wasn't sure whether it would be enough. Most impressive and yet disconcerting as well. _**

_**Upon first entering Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Severus Snape had already shown great potential for learning those branches of magic that required the strength of mind and will, but Albus had been under the impression that he was alone in this realisation. Statorius Snape – the child's father – had neglected teaching him Occlumency and Legilimency, while he certainly hadn't done the same in regard to almost every other branch of magic, putting the most pressure on the Dark Arts. **_

**_Severus hadn't been able to occlude his mind in his Fifth Year, that much was certain. After the OWLs was when the Shrieking Shack "prank" had taken place. Probably in response to the punishment Dumbledore had given James Potter and Sirius Black for their shameful behaviour directly after the Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. Lily Evans, always the kind-hearted, justice-seeking type, had come straight to Dumbledore after James' cruel, humiliating _**joke**_. Severus had been too ashamed to leave the Den for the remainder of the week, thus missing his Transfiguration OWL. _**

**_Thinking back to that time, Dumbledore regretted his own lenient behaviour. The punishment he'd given the two Marauders hadn't been close to what they deserved. Taking off a fellow student's underwear, in a public display, should have warranted more than two detentions and the deduction of 20 house points. In the least, it should have served as a warning and Sirius might not have felt bold enough to perform that second prank. That one could have resulted in the death of another student. Things had certainly got out of hand. _**

_**Severus had been so angry after that, but what was worse, what still haunted the Headmaster, was the expression in the young boy's dark eyes when he'd learned of the meagre punishment Sirius had received, not to mention the 50 points James had been awarded for bravery… Severus had been disillusioned. Those expressive black eyes of his had been filled with rage, hurt and accusation. At the same time, he seemed bitterly resigned, as if he'd really expected as much. In little over one week Albus had shattered any hope there'd been of gaining Severus for the Light. Snape had felt betrayed, not so much because of the whole incident, but because he'd been close to believing that Hogwarts was different than his home.**_

_**Predictably, after the summer holidays Severus had become even more recluse, if that's possible. It had been a difficult couple of months for him. At the end of August, his father had died under strange circumstances, somewhere in Scotland – miles away from his Manor near London. Severus, not surprisingly, had been more affected by Lucius Malfoy's decision to depart on a year long journey around the world than by Statorius' death. **_

_**The Malfoy heir was two years older than the Snape heir. The pair had immediately become "friends" as that was what was expected of them by their families. Though, admittedly, their relationship did seem to have the potential for becoming more than a mere alliance in the future. **_

_**With Malfoy having graduated, along with some other Slytherins Severus had often spent time with, Snape's Sixth Year hadn't looked very bright. But, as luck would have it, Lily Evans had taken it upon herself to befriend Severus in his hour of need. An unlikely friendship had formed – a bumpy ride, which appeared to have more set backs than not. Nonetheless, it had done Severus a world of good, until again, Lucius Malfoy stepped in in their Seventh Year, reminding Severus of the pure-blooded agenda.**_

_**Dumbledore had been very concerned for the young Slytherin after the boy had stopped meeting or even talking with Lily. Voldemort had been gaining many supporters from Slytherin and the pure-blooded families. To lose a boy of Severus' intelligence would have been a huge loss.**_

_**And yet he'd done close to nothing to prevent it. **_

_**Dumbledore had never been close to Severus, the boy hadn't been able to trust him, but after the events at the end of his Fifth Year Severus had avoided the Headmaster. After the NEWTs Albus had made one last – or rather first – attempt to reach out to Severus. **_

_**The memory of that encounter made Albus wonder now what could have brought Severus to his door after he'd already failed him so terribly.**_

'_Severus?' Dumbledore quietly called out to the black figure sitting by the lake. They were near the Forbidden Forest, in a place that was barely visible from a distance for all the trees and bushes growing there. There was a clear view of it from the vicinity of the Womping Willow. _

'_Professor?' The boy replied without turning his head. The boy was usually impeccably polite, such disrespect for his elders was far from normal. Albus, however, ignored it and moved closer, sitting next to Snape on the grass. Not close enough to make the boy feel uncomfortable. Severus didn't like to be touched and he didn't like having people too close to him. Sometimes he would look like a caged animal, his huge black eyes widened in unsuccessfully masked fear._

'_One more day and you will never have to see Hogwarts again, eh?' The Headmaster spoke softly._

'_Yes. I can hardly wait.' Severus said, once again in this uncharacteristic, disrespectful tone. Dumbledore looked sadly at the dark head that was turned away from him. _

'_What are your plans for the future?'_

'_I'm going to be a Potions Master. I already had several offers of apprenticeship. Didn't you know that, Professor?' Severus spat._

'_Yes, I knew that. I was merely wondering if perhaps you hadn't changed your mind. After all, I'm sure you've done very well on your NEWTs. You're very good at Transfiguration and DADA.'_

'_Yeah, at least this time I managed to take my Transfiguration exam along with the rest of the school, not in September the next year.' Although he couldn't see the boy's face, Dumbledore knew there was an ugly sneer there. The old warlock sighed. He should have expected this. He'd never even tried approaching the boy about this and now it was like crying over spilt milk – entirely pointless._

'_Which apprenticeship did you accept?' Albus decided to change the subject to something safer. At hearing his words, Severus whirled around, looking at the Headmaster with an unreadable expression, his ebony eyes only slightly widened. After a moment, Severus narrowed his eyes and replied in a neutral tone. _

'_I'm taking the one in India – Master Rahul Gandhi.' _

'_The best Potions Master in the world. I was not aware that you received an invitation from him as well. From what I've heard he hasn't been taking apprentices for years.'_

'_Obviously he's changed his mind.' Severus said turning back to the lake, his gaze briefly rested on his left forearm before locking on the glittering surface of the water. Due to the heat, he'd pulled his sleeves up over his elbows, revealing his alabaster skin. Both of his forearms were slender, but there was the distinct evidence of well-formed muscles underneath the pale, delicate skin, marred only by a couple of silver scars. 'I'm leaving directly after graduation.'_

'_You're not going home before?' The Headmaster asked surprised, forgetting whom he was talking to and that he was unlikely to gain a satisfactory answer from this boy anyway._

_Turning to the Headmaster with eyebrows raised, Severus asked with sardonic amusement 'What home?'_

_The boy looked down at his boots. The Headmaster was just about to try and say something when Severus reached down and squashed an ant that had climbed the glossy surface of his leather boot. _

'_It's so easy to take a life, isn't it?' Snape spoke softly, as much to himself, as to the old wizard next to him. 'A simple action… or simple words, as long as they're the right ones.' He lifted his black, fathomless eyes to meet the Headmaster's blue ones. It seemed like he wanted to say something else but couldn't find the words or the courage. Instead he seemed intent on passing a silent message to the Headmaster, a silent plea for understanding. Once again, the boy looked away, his dark eyes roaming over the grass this time. 'It's easy to ruin a life too. By an actual action, or simply by inaction.' _

_The Headmaster followed his student's gaze and found himself looking at a beetle. It was on its back, wiggling its legs madly, but unable to change its position. A ray of heating sunshine was mercilessly pointing at its stomach. The beetle continued its wild trashing, to no avail, but not giving up – fighting with all its worth, with every last ounce of strength it possessed to preserve its own life, to escape its Fate…_

_Sudden movement at his side broke the Headmaster's reverie. Severus had stood up from his spot in the shade of a tree and he'd made his way towards the insect. He crouched down next to it and studied it for a long moment before reaching a pale, long-fingered hand towards it. Dumbledore held his breath, certain that Severus would treat it as he just had the tiny ant… He didn't. Snape gently turned the beetle over with his slender finger and watched as it padded along in the grass, moving in the direction of the shade._

_Dumbledore released the breath he'd been holding when he heard a soft, quiet voice whisper. 'Sometimes it doesn't even take a whole hand to help, does it? And what difference it can make just the same.' The boy stood up, straightened himself and met Dumbledore's gaze. The expression in his ebony eyes was serious, with a hint of accusation._

'_I have to go finish packing, Headmaster. I will see you tomorrow at the Feast.' Dumbledore nodded, at a loss for words, knowing that what he said now would no longer matter. He understood the hidden meaning behind Severus' sudden interest in insects. He'd failed Severus when he'd been able to help him and now there was nothing he could do._

'_Goodbye, Severus.' As he said it, Dumbledore knew that he wasn't just saying a simple goodbye. This goodbye was for a lifetime, because there was no way this boy would ever willingly return to him._

_A glimmer of disappointment and regret flashed in Severus Snape's eyes, or had Albus imagined it? Had there still been something he might have said to Severus to make a difference? What had the boy wanted him to say? _

'_Goodbye, Headmaster Dumbledore.' Severus inclined his head in the older man's direction before pivoting on his heel and walking away, never looking back. Albus turned to the lake sadly, thus not seeing Severus walking towards the Womping Willow instead of Hogwarts. He missed the sight of the Slytherin levitating a stick and prodding the tree with it, freezing its branches, before disappearing within the hidden tunnel…_

_**Dumbledore's reverie was broken when Severus finally decided to speak.**_

"_**The reason I came here is because I wish to believe." He said slowly.**_

"_**In my power?" Albus asked, clearly surprised and not quite certain what to make of all this.**_

"_**In hope. I want to believe that there is still hope." Severus swallowed. Saying those words, he knew they were true and yet he'd never uttered them before nor had he so openly admitted this even to himself. "I want to believe that the Dark Lord's fall is possible and I wish to help bring Him down." The last was said with determination. For the first time since he'd entered Dumbledore's office, Severus' eyes shone with emotion. Dumbledore desperately wanted to believe it was genuine, but he couldn't help being suspicious.**_

"_**And you came all the way from India for this? You forsook your Potions Mastership for this? To fight this war for the side of Light? The side your friends are fighting against? How, being away from all this, could you possibly know what is going on here and how could you come to this decision not having to experience this first hand?" Dumbledore asked seriously. He wanted to believe Severus, he really did, but things just didn't seem to fit. Where did this passion come from? It was as if the boy's life depended on this.**_

"**_I didn't forsake my Mastership. I've already finished my apprenticeship and I _**am**_ a Potions Master." Severus took pride in the look of utter astonishment on Dumbledore's face. The old warlock just continued to stare at him, incredulous, his suspicions forgotten for the moment._**

"**_A Potions Mastery usually takes over twenty years to achieve. You're _**twenty years old**_, Severus! How is that possible? You must be the youngest Potions Master in…"_**

"_**History." Severus finished with a slight upturn of his thin lips. The lack of smugness and arrogance surprised the Headmaster. It seemed that the boy was full of surprises today. The look of pleasure disappeared from Snape's gaunt face and his eyes fixed the Headmaster with a grim look. "It is because of the completion of my apprenticeship, and my stay in India, that I came here today. I've seen things I never cared to see. I've done things I never wanted to do, because I know what it is like to be victim to them." Severus took a deep breath. "I'm one of the Dark Lord's Death Eaters, Sir." **_

_**Dumbledore had expected as much. He closed his eyes against the pain he felt upon hearing this terrible confirmation. He was at a loss as to what he should do. Should he call the Aurors? The Dementors? Why had this boy come here, to him of all people, with this information? Was it a plot devised by Voldemort or were this young man's intentions true? **_

_**Again the disconcerting thought of his Occlumency skills came unbidden to Albus' mind. He would just have to see. **_

_**He'd never been Severus Snape's first choice for seeking help in the past. For Voldemort to use Severus would be a stretch. There were many students who were known to have better contact with the Headmaster, they would have been a far better choice – less suspicious, more believable. **_

_**For Severus to come to Dumbledore of his own accord… that was a stretch as well. Snape had never trusted him, what could possibly make him change his mind now?**_

**_Both Voldemort and Snape could be playing on Dumbledore's kind heart and on his guilt at having failed Severus when he'd been a child. Perhaps they both believed that the old wizard's judgment would be clouded by guilt and regrets, that the joy at having been given a second chance would make him trust blindly… Voldemort might think that, but Severus – on his own – would never have such faith. _**

"_**Why are you telling me this, Severus? You know what I should do with this information." Dumbledore spoke calmly, with a note of sternness in his tone.**_

"**_You should hand me over to the Aurors or Dementors." Severus said impassively. _**

"_**Yes." Dumbledore agreed, quite taken aback by the boy's apparent lack of concern. "You know what they will do to you once they hear your confession?"**_

"**_They won't even have to listen to it before they throw me into Azkaban or sentence me to the Kiss." The dark-haired man's calm voice chilled the Headmaster. How could he not care? Had the boy already given up? Was that why he was here? _**Whywashe here?

"_**What do you mean?"**_

**_Instead of answering, Severus rolled up his left robe sleeve and then did the same with the sleeve of his white shirt. On the pale skin engraved was an ugly, black tattoo – the Dark Mark, Voldemort's chosen symbol. It was the same sign as that which appeared over the houses that were target to Voldemort's attacks. Dumbledore had never seen this mark on a living person, nor a dead one, for that matter._**

"_**What is this?" The old wizard asked, not trying to hide his revulsion upon seeing the hideous Dark Mark on his former student's arm. Severus frowned at the question.**_

"**_It's the Dark Mark, every Death Eater bears it on his or her left forearm. It is a means of distinguishing ourselves, but it also allows the Dark Lord to call us to His side. When He touches the Mark of one of His followers, all our Marks burn – it is a signal to immediately Apparate at His side." Realisation dawned in Severus' eyes. "You haven't seen a Death Eater for the past two years, have you, Headmaster?" Not waiting for an answer, the boy continued his explanation. "Before that time, the Dark Lord had strict rules of initiation – no-one under twenty was accepted and it was preferred that the candidates had not only good education but a profession they were especially experienced in. None of His followers were branded yet." A look that the Headmaster thought might have been shame and regret passed over Severus' thin face. "I was the first exception to the age rule – because I excelled in Potions and the Dark Lord didn't believe I was going to have an equal among His ranks anyway. I was also one of the first to receive the Dark Mark."_**

_**Dumbledore looked at the black-haired man seated in front of him carefully. He could be a source of valuable information – he already was. **_

"_**When did you join Voldemort's ranks?" Albus asked. He needed to know to ease his guilty conscience. **_

_**The wizened warlock couldn't have failed to see the young wizard flinch at the sound of the name. It saddened him that even this proud, pure-blooded boy feared a mere name. This particular boy had always been an intellectual. He had a strong mind and a will of pure iron – such foolish, superstitious fear was out of character for him. Severus Snape – Slytherin though he was – had always possessed the courage worthy of a Gryffindor. **_

_**Only one thing could be said in his defence. He, at least, like few people among the living, had actually met Lord Voldemort and he'd been witness to the atrocities he and his Death Eaters committed. **_

"**_I met with Him for the first time during the Christmas holidays in my Seventh Year. After that I went to Him about once every month on the weekends. A… friend… informed me of the exact time and location a day prior to the meetings. It was up to me to make sure my absence wouldn't be noticed. I wasn't a Death Eater yet but I was asked to attend some of the meetings. Nothing drastic at first, of course, and even when I finally saw the Death Eaters killing people – I was fed lies. The victims were just innocent Muggles picked off the streets. I was told they'd been fighting against the Dark Lord and His followers so their deaths had seemed justified." Severus' hands clenched into fists as he relieved these memories until he regained control over himself. He sighed before speaking again. "I joined His ranks one day before my graduation. I received the Dark Mark then."_**

_**The Headmaster suddenly felt as if someone had spilled ice-cold water over his head. He sat still, unmoving, refusing to believe the boy's words.**_

"**_Severus, that's impossible. I saw you that day. I talked to you. I saw your _**arm**_!" Dumbledore looked into Severus' dark eyes, begging him to deny his previous allegation. _**

"**_I remember, Sir. You came over while I was sitting by the lake, waiting for the right time to depart… perhaps even having second thoughts…" Snape lowered his gaze, looking at the table rather than the old wizard before him. It was for that reason that he missed the pain and grief that appeared on his ancient face. Unaware of the feelings he'd invoked in the Headmaster, believing that he could only find revulsion in his sky-blue eyes, young Severus plunged on. "At that time I not only believed in the _**pure-blood mantra **_as it is now often called, but I also believed that the Dark Lord had the answers to this and many other problems. During my apprenticeship in India I was removed from all that has been happening here. Since my return the doubts I've had have been confirmed and I no longer wish to serve the Dark Lord… unless that servitude can help bring His downfall." _**

_**As if to prove the honesty and sincerity of his words, Severus met Albus' piercing gaze. Without so much as flinching, or giving a warning, the young boy opened his mind to the old warlock. He braced himself against an assault on every memory he wished to remain hidden, knowing that those most heavily guarded memories and thoughts were the most likely to interest Dumbledore. **_

**_The assault never came. _**

_**Seeing the boy's mind open before him, Albus averted his gaze from those black eyes, which now, more than ever before, truly were windows to his soul. **_

"**_I will not invade your mind, Severus. Show me only the memories you mentioned, the thoughts and events that led you here, into this office." Dumbledore spoke softly. In his current state, with the walls brought down, they both knew that Severus was incapable of lying. The surprise and relief in his onyx eyes was genuine, as was the uncertainty. _**

_**Severus had half the mind to protest. He didn't know whether the Headmaster was going to hand him over to the Ministry or not, but for some reason he wanted this man's trust. He wanted him to at least believe in his good intentions, even if he wasn't going to do anything to help him. He'd never before yearned for someone's trust and acceptance more. He'd never wanted to please his father as much as he wanted to please Dumbledore. Something in the old wizard's kind, intelligent eyes demanded respect. Severus wondered why he hadn't felt this way before – when he'd still been a student, when he could have done something worthwhile with his life. He'd been so blinded by his hatred of the Gryffindors that he'd never looked at the Gryffindor Headmaster properly. **_

**_Then again, Albus Dumbledore had never reached out to him, perhaps he'd tried on the day before Severus' graduation. He'd come to seek him out by the lake and he'd even ignored Severus' disrespect when attempting to have a conversation with him. Of course, at that time it was too little and too late. If the Headmaster had looked at him with those kind eyes of his they wouldn't have made a difference. Snape would have laughed it off… Would he have? Why did the memory of that day hurt him and why did it hurt so much that Dumbledore had given up on him so easily? _**

**_The acute feeling of not belonging had followed Severus throughout his childhood at home, throughout his years at Hogwarts and it had been there when he'd been amongst the Death Eaters. If only Dumbledore had made him feel wanted, or at least important enough to take notice of, then Severus would have given his decision more thought. Politics hadn't been _**that **_important to him at the time. _**

**_Lucius had been and still was his only friend and Snape hadn't been willing to lose him. That the Dark Lord's political views seemed to be in agreement with those of the Snapes and Malfoys had only made things easier. _**

**_Severus provided the Headmaster with the memories and thoughts he'd asked for and allowed him to move between them freely. He still half expected the wizard to go further than they'd agreed to and so he'd been more prepared to face unwanted memories than for the man's sudden withdrawal. Shaken from what he'd been forced to relieve, Severus took a gasping breath. He looked at Dumbledore in utter shock, trying to collect himself. _**

**_The Headmaster smiled at him kindly, his eyes beginning to twinkle. The kindness and twinkling no longer irritated Severus. Instead, he felt uneasy and the guilt he'd been trying to push to the back of his mind finally broke into the fore. All his efforts to rid himself of the feeling had been for naught and the conscience he thought had been irretrievably silenced was now demanding his attention. _**

**_The suffering and death he'd seen… the innocent lives lost, his inaction or his own hand aiding the villains in the atrocities they committed… For the first time in years, tears welled up in his huge, obsidian eyes. The young man would have thought he no longer knew how to cry, it had been beaten out of him when he'd been a child, but here, now, in the office of the Hogwarts' Headmaster, he found himself unable to stem the tears that had been waiting patiently for an opportunity to escape. _**

**_It was Albus' turn to be surprised. Going through the boy's thoughts and memories he hadn't encountered the feelings of guilt and regret that he now saw in Severus' eyes. He'd been satisfied with his revulsion and contempt for the Death Eaters who tortured and killed defenceless people, even if the boy's feelings seemed to stem from a slightly twisted sense of honour and pride rather than a true sense of what was moral. On impulse, Dumbledore stood up and walked around his desk until he was standing next to Severus. Slowly, hesitantly, the old wizard lifted a thin, long-fingered hand to stroke the boy's dark hair. _**

**_Severus hadn't seen the Headmaster approach. He'd been too busy trying to quell the painful emotions that were overwhelming him. The man jumped at the touch and Dumbledore had to take his hand away. At first he thought that the reaction was to _**his**_ touch, that the boy didn't want _**him**_ to touch him. He realised his mistake when he noticed Severus _****_manoeuvre_****_ his arms over his head in a protective manner. _**

**_Suddenly it all fell into place. Severus' peculiar behaviour upon arriving at Hogwarts, the problems he seemed to have had settling in with the other students. He'd been recluse and awkward from day one. The teachers had attributed it to shyness and then to the so called ways of the Slytherins, but that hadn't been right. Slytherins had a tendency to be proud and arrogant, not to avoid not only confrontations, but _**any**_ contact with other students. The only true exception had been an older Slytherin student – Molly Carson, a Seventh Year. She'd taken Severus under her wing in a very motherly fashion. It seemed to have been the right approach because Severus' interpersonal skills had begun steadily improving with her help. _**

_**Lucius Malfoy and his gang had stepped in after the girl had finished school, but Severus had still stood out from the group. It had been Malfoy's second attempt at moulding Severus' character to fit in with his group of friends. In the end, Severus had been a member of their gang, but hadn't truly fit in and so spent much of his time away from them. **_

_**As Dumbledore recalled, the young Snape had always been subject to jokes and pranks from his fellow students because of his inability to fit in. The school had often laughed at the way the thin boy would flinch or cower at the slightest physical contact. Severus' retribution had been to hex the other students, which led to his multiple detentions. The teachers had all disliked the apparently very aggressive and evil boy, some of them had even been afraid of him.**_

_**None, the Headmaster included, had given any thought to the reason why the boy might be acting the way he was.**_

"_**Oh Severus, my dear boy, I am so sorry." Dumbledore spoke softly, feeling tears in his own eyes as he watched the thin man in front of him. "I won't hurt you, child, I would never deliberately hurt you." Albus whispered soothingly, wishing he could comfort the boy, but knowing that to do so would be egotistic of him. It would only serve to ease his own conscience and pain, while not making things any better for Severus. **_

**_Finding the truth in his revelation, he halted the hand that had been reaching to touch Severus. It was so close it was almost touching the boy's black-clad shoulder. Snape looked up at the Headmaster angrily. Surprising them both, the dark-haired man leaned into Albus' hand. _**

_**Dumbledore felt a wave of gratitude towards his former student. Hesitantly, he stepped closer and started rubbing the boy's back. To feel the hard, bony surface only added to his pain. He was so thin. No wonder he wore so much clothing. If he didn't, he'd most likely look like a skeleton. **_

**_For some time the two men stayed this way. Dumbledore stood over the chair Snape was occupying and held him in a protective, fatherly embrace, while Severus, though very shyly and awkwardly at first, was returning the hug. Finally, the tears stopped flowing from Severus' eyes and he managed to calm himself. The thought of how comfortable and good he felt in Dumbledore's embrace frightened him and he pulled away, gently, so as not to startle or worry the older man. Gazing upwards and seeing the wizened face, Severus flushed, embarrassed at having lost control the way he had. Adding insult to injury, or perhaps trying to lessen Severus' uneasiness, Albus reached down and brushed a strand of black hair out of the boy's gaunt face. Severus flinched at the contact despite himself. He averted his eyes even more ashamed._**

"_**Sorry." He mumbled.**_

**_Dumbledore smiled sadly as he walked back to his seat, knowing that Severus wasn't likely to look up just yet. _**

"_**You have nothing to be sorry about, Severus. If either of us here should take the blame, then it's me. I should have known what was going on. It was and still is my responsibility to see these things."**_

_**A small smile appeared on Severus' face, a rare sight, if not a near impossible one. This was too good to be true.**_

"**_You really didn't know? I thought you knew everything that goes on at Hogwarts… and with your students." It was spoken so softly that it was barely audible. Dumbledore vainly tried to find the accusation or scorn in his visitor's voice. The wan smile on his pale face took him aback._**

"_**I don't Severus. I never presumed to know everything and I am glad there are things that I am not aware of. But, I wish I had known about your life at home. I still don't, these are just speculations and conclusions I have come to all too late." Dumbledore said in a voice laden with regret.**_

"**_I don't blame you, Sir. I never did blame you for that, I think." No longer sitting straight in his chair, with his shoulders slumped in resignation, Severus stroked Fawkes' ruffled feathers. The bird had flown from its perch onto the boy's lap, apparently having remembered their old friendship. "Sir, are you going to call the Aurors?" Snape asked quietly._**

"_**Do you see another course of action I could take?" Albus said thoughtfully, assessing the boy's strength and courage.**_

"_**I could help fight this war. I could be of more use to you if I wasn't in Azkaban." There was confidence in the man's voice, though there was no pressure. "I could be your spy in the Dark Lord's ranks. I could pass information to you."**_

**_Such bravery and determination. While Azkaban was far from a pleasant place to be – it was Hell – but if Lord Voldemort found out about Snape's betrayal then what the boy would have to go through would be unspeakably worse. The position held great weight and not just anyone could lift it. Dumbledore felt proud. The boy hadn't let him down in his expectations of him. As much as he wanted to find another way to help Snape, a way that would be more effective, he knew there was none. He could only hope that the war wouldn't last long and that it wouldn't claim the boy's life. He'd been reluctant to even suggest this to Severus because he was certain that he'd accept the offer readily. Making not only the decision, but the idea itself Snape's allowed the Headmaster to feel less guilty about doing this. _**

"_**Are you sure you will be able to handle this? It will be very dangerous, Severus. You will also be betraying your friends. You do understand what the position of a spy entails?" **_

**_Not wanting to appear like a reckless and desperate fool, Severus pretended to be giving the matter more thought. 'Of course I am aware of what the position entails to! I'd come here prepared for everything and Dumbledore giving me this opportunity was my best case scenario!'_**

"**_I don't have friends among the Death Eaters, Sir." Severus said slowly. The 'I don't have friends,' was quite clear. "I'm an Occlumens and with additional training I will be able to block the Dark Lord even in a direct attack. I already have a system that allows me to separate certain feelings from the memories they are connected to. I keep those emotions locked away along with some other memories. Without the emotions, the memories can easily be misinterpreted." Severus realised what he was saying and stopped abruptly. "Headmaster…"_**

"**_It's all right, my boy. I have already wondered about this. Some of your memories seemed to me to be lacking something, though it was very subtle and I doubt Voldemort would take notice of it, because those feelings are what he cannot and never could comprehend." Dumbledore smiled reassuringly at Severus. "I must say that I am once again impressed, dear boy. Your skills in Occlumency almost equal your talent for Potions, though I am at a loss here. Your mother, Anne Potter, and your grandfather, Salazar Snape, had been Potions Masters and I am sure you owe much of your knowledge to not only their book collections, but to their own work. As for Occlumency – I've never known anyone from either the Snape or the Potter family to show such talent."_**

"_**I studied it by myself from books I could get in the Restricted Section while I was in my Seventh Year, Sir. After my first meeting with the Dark Lord I felt it would be prudent to learn how to occlude my mind…"**_

"_**If I didn't know better, I'd say you have the Sight, Severus." Dumbledore chuckled at the look of mingled horror and disgust on Severus' young face. "It was the only class you had trouble with, wasn't it? Quite surprising since you'd been paired off with the one student that excelled in this... um… subtle art." **_

_**Severus couldn't help but snort at this, forgetting whom he was speaking to and forgetting the war he'd just got himself into. **_

"**_Oh yes, Professor, Miss Sybil Trelawney was sooo talented in Divination! Why, only during our first lesson she managed to predict my death five times – all of which had been under different circumstances!" Severus said sarcastically. Dumbledore chuckled once again, quite taken by this unfamiliar side of his new-found favourite Slytherin._**

"_**Ah, but if I recall correctly, Severus, she did mention a remedy as well in her prediction."**_

_**The expression on Severus' face was priceless. It was something between shock, horror, panic and revulsion. **_

"_**Love can save the day." The boy recalled, wrinkling his nose. "That is one detention I never regretted! If I hadn't charmed the crystal ball onto her head, the toad would have kissed me!" **_

_**Dumbledore's laugh reminded Severus of the present. He was both embarrassed and angry at the older man, but as he observed him laughing, the corners of his mouth twitched. When Dumbledore calmed down, Snape asked the question that had been bothering him.**_

"**_Professor, if I am to take this position, I should probably have more training. Occlumency isn't the only branch of magic it wouldn't hurt to work on. I have to learn how to project false emotions and thoughts and attach them onto memories. I can't manipulate my memories all that well either. It always shows that it has been tampered with and I should be able to create false memories altogether." _**

**_Dumbledore nodded, impressed by Snape's approach. It seemed that he had every aspect of this well thought through. The boy had come prepared for every possibility. _**

"**_I believe I would be able to help you with Occlumency, but at this stage you only need a little guidance. As for other skills, hm." Albus pursed his lips, studying the young man. It seemed that he didn't have an idea for this. "You already have a guaranteed career in Potions, but you are still very young, Severus. You could take up something else and, with your multiple talents, I'm sure it wouldn't take you long to finish another apprenticeship." Dumbledore stood up and started pacing the length of his office. Severus followed him with his gaze. "While Transfiguration would be fairly useful, it is hardly a match for a full training that would give you true martial skills. Yes, I believe that would be best. Voldemort would see it this way also. You would not only be my spy, but he would consider you _**his own**_ spy in the making!" _**

**_Severus eyed the Headmaster uncertainly and with apprehension. Did he mean what he thought he did? Could he really trust him to that extent? Getting the Ministry involved in this could hardly make things easier for him._**

"**_Um, Headmaster, with all due respect, would you mind telling me what you have in mind?" Snape asked cautiously. _**

"**_You already know that, Severus. I believe you could use some Auror training. You had Os_**

_**in Transfiguration and DADA when you did your NEWTs and that Potions Mastery – you'll be accepted for certain."**_

"**_I'm a Slytherin, Sir. Not to mention a Death Eater." Severus replied, put out. Dumbledore had seen the look of excitement that had flickered across Severus' face at the prospect. Becoming an Auror was _**the**_ dream of most young men. The prestige it gave was unparalleled. It amused Dumbledore that this Slytherin seemed to hold it in as much a high esteem as members of the other three Houses, especially since this particular Slytherin had willingly joined the opposing forces. _**

"_**I will personally recommend you as a candidate, Severus, Slytherin or no, you would be accepted due to your school record." Albus noticed the boy's expression – he didn't believe a word Dumbledore was saying. The only way the Ministry would accept Severus Snape was if he was willing to part with some of his enormous fortune…**_

'**_Come to think of it, I'd rather do that than have Dumbledore use his influence.' As Severus thought about it, he felt that the idea had more potential than merely avoiding injuring his pride. Initially, he'd wanted to prove that he was self-sufficient, but now…_**

"**_No, Sir, thank you, but I believe I will be able to manage on my own. While your protectorate might have helped me in the future, in the event of the Dark Lord's fall, at the moment it would be too suspicious. It would be more beneficial to the cause if there were no traceable connections between you and me. I will present this idea to Him as my own and as a way of gaining both valuable training and valuable information once I am a fully trained Auror. He will be curious how I got accepted with the spreading prejudice against Slytherins and the Snapes' reputation as Dark Wizards. If need be, I can resort to _**the Malfoy way**_, but I _**will **_start the training along with those who'd been accepted after last year's graduation. The first three months consist of nothing but Potions and a couple of aptitude tests. It should be easy to catch up."_**

**_Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. Brave as a Gryffindor. Cunning and proud as a pure-blooded Slytherin. Intelligent as a Ravenclaw. Hopefully he would also prove to be as loyal as a Hufflepuff – as long as Dumbledore did nothing to betray his trust, Severus would have no reason to turn from him. The decision to betray the Dark Lord had cost him a lot. He wasn't going to change his allegiance again. The boy was smart and had thought everything through. He was as well prepared for what he was going to face as it was possible to be. _**

"**_Yes, that would indeed be better. As for any problems you might be faced with because of Voldemort," Severus flinched. "I will make sure the Ministry finds out about the role you've decided to play in this war, but, only when the time calls for it. Until it is necessary to reveal the truth, it will be best if as few people as possible know about this. I know I can count on your discretion, Severus." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as the boy snorted. It wasn't like he had a choice, not that he had anyone to tell, anyway…. _**

The vision faded.

The memory of the old Headmaster strengthened Severus' resolve. He gingerly pushed himself from the wall, mindful of the pitiful state he was in. The movement brought about an inevitable bout of nausea. The rest of the Death Eaters had already entered the house. Carefully, Severus pulled two small phials of different coloured potions from the inside of his robes.

There were three phials hanging on silver threads around his neck. The strings and phials were charmed to remain invisible as long as Severus didn't call upon them. Snape was glad he'd had the sense to place an unbreakable charm on them as well. The phials contained different potions. One was with a poison – Severus' new development – and it could serve two purposes. Either the Potions Master could use it to ensure himself the Dark Lord's favour – in other words: to preserve his life – or he could actually use it on himself. The latter was a last resort. A safety measure in case of interrogation.

Severus honestly hoped he wouldn't have to test his inventions on his own person. It wasn't that he was that afraid of dying, because he'd had ample time in his short life to get used to the prospect. If the situation called for it, he wouldn't hesitate, but if he were to choose a means of ending his life – poison wouldn't be his first choice.

The other two phials – the ones Severus now held – contained a strengthening potion and a pain relieving one. It wasn't always safe to take these potions without a preliminary medical examination. The Potions Professor was well aware of the danger.

Not wanting to waste any more time, Snape adjusted his mask slightly in order to gain access to his mouth. He swallowed the contents of both phials in quick succession. Feeling somewhat better, Severus climbed the remaining steps and entered the dark Lord's residence. By the time he caught up with the others his condition was very much improved.

Just as he'd expected, no-one appeared to have been paying any attention to him and his absence had most likely gone unnoticed. At least he hoped so – it was always preferable.

Severus was thankful for his Auror training, especially his stealth training. Learning to move without making a sound wasn't as easy as it would seem, but it certainly came in handy – whether it was while working as an Auror, Death Eater, spy or Hogwarts' Professor.

Snape joined Rosier and Nott who were bragging about their latest ideas for torture.

"…and then I tied the little Mudblood bastard's legs with a rope and attached him to the ceiling. You should have heard him screaming and crying! The orphaned brat couldn't even call for his mother, could he? I cast Crucio on him a couple of times – I think he went nuts in the end, though it's hard to say whether it was just the Cruciatus or the whole thing in general." Nott was just saying when he took notice of the masked figure of Severus. "So, Snape, had much fun on this mission?"

It unnerved Severus how easily he was recognised nowadays – masked and hooded though he was. There were four men that matched his height and stature… at least there had been. Lucius was gone, even if probably only temporarily. Rosier had been talking to Nott so he was out of the question… 'Yes, it makes perfect sense after all: Lestrange's in first line, as per usual, and Rookwood is imprisoned, same as Lucius.'

There was also the fact that he'd lost a great deal of weight lately. Severus had always been balancing between lean and thin, favouring "thin" whenever his friends weren't around to force him into eating properly. Lily had been out of the picture for years, but there'd still been either Dumbledore or Lucius.

Over the years, Severus had developed ways of hiding his true figure. It hadn't worked on Lucius even when his friend hadn't been locked away, but it was working fine on Dumbledore, probably not for long though. Wearing several layers of clothing could no longer compensate the loss so Severus was playing with the idea of permanently wearing a glamour. However, upholding the spell was very tiring.

Giving up some of his magical energy wasn't an option among the Death Eaters and, rationally, Severus knew that that was whom he'd really need to hide any signs of weakness from – not Dumbledore. The worst Dumbledore could do was force-feeding him or assigning him treatment from Madam Pomfrey… Not that any of that was an option.

Snape was aware that he would have to start taking better care of himself sooner or later. Many lives could depend on his fitness. He'd started taking nutrition potions to make up for the meals he skipped, but they couldn't be fully effective if taken with Dreamless Sleep Potion. Severus could hardly afford to stop taking the latter, so while he was seriously considering changing his diet, he had to up his dosage of nutrition potion and regularly take some strengthener.

Snape allowed himself a small sigh before addressing Nott.

'Maybe that's why I'm so weak. Not the fire and smoke, or me suddenly growing a new conscience – just pure exhaustion and a bad combination of potions.' Immediately he revolted against the absurd concept, unknowingly choosing the option that normally should have seemed more repulsive to him than the thought of making a mistake and overestimating his strength.

"I dare say I haven't managed to enjoy myself as much as you, Nott." Severus said silkily.

He loathed the man next to him, but he knew he couldn't afford to antagonise him. Nott's blood lust and obsession with torture made him sick, but he felt no inclination to experience it first hand. Nott, the Lestranges and Macnair had always been in charge of tending to prisoners. Severus' assistance was often required in that department, for interrogation purposes, so he'd had more than enough opportunities to see these Death Eaters at work.

Dreams like that would keep anyone awake all night.

Pain for the sake of pain.

Cruelty for the sake of cruelty.

Death for the sake of death.

Severus didn't share his companions' views. If someone had to suffer, then at least there had to be a reason for it. A motive. A goal to be achieved. Something. Anything. Both parties needed something to hold on to – the person suffering and the person responsible for it.

Causing pain to people with inferior strength, with no way of protecting themselves was neither challenging nor gratifying. How someone could derive pleasure from this was beyond him. It was low…

'What does that say about my treatment of those bloody Gryffindors back at Hogwarts? Talk about low.' Severus snorted derisively.

"Your fun is just going to begin, isn't it, Severus?" Rosier's obnoxious tone made Severus cringe. Or maybe it was the use of his name? Usually he was more immune to such things.

"Pardon?" He replied coolly, relying on his Death Eater mask to hide his contemptuous glare.

'Damn those two bastards! Damn them to Hell!' Snape gritted his teeth. His self-control was wearing thin and he was feeling increasingly grateful for the artificial strength the strengthening potion had given him.

"A presentation of a new poison, of course, Severus!" Rosier boomed, his enthusiasm unaffected by Severus' cold reply.

Snape's suspicions were now confirmed.

"I hope it's going to be a good show." Nott cut in casually, though to Severus' trained ears, his voice betrayed the true excitement he felt at the prospect.

'So much for not developing habits. Even that idiot Rosier presumes to be able to read me like a book.' Severus' scowl deepened even further until rational thought returned to him. 'I've got this under control. There's no need stressing over this – I've got a phial for this exact reason and to serve this exact purpose! I could hardly let these two blabber on to the Dark Lord that I'd gone missing for a couple of minutes.'

"It should be interesting, Nott."

'I should start taking more strengthener with me… I don't know if I can pull this off… I'm not good at the whole groveling at His feet part and I'd better do some serious sucking up tonight... Who knows, He might get wind of a group of kids surviving that fire and I'd rather be on His good side when that happens...'

"I believe it's going to be quite to your liking as well, Rosier." Severus added deliberate stress to the man's surname in order to remind him that they weren't on a first name basis.

The hard tone and menacing posture of the Potions Master appeared to have the desired effect even on someone as obtuse as Rosier. The tall man gulped. It took him a moment to regain his composure as Severus' dark, fathomless eyes bore into his through slits in his white mask.

It really was no wonder that students were so easily terrified by their Potions Professor.

"It better be to the liking of our Master." Rosier recovered and countered arrogantly. As Severus' eyes flashed dangerously, he felt compelled to add "Snape", just for good measure.

Severus' position was quite unique among his fellow Death Eaters. It was undeniably very strong, due to his wealth, education and his friendship with Lucius Malfoy. Everyone knew that they couldn't hope to match his skills at Potions and that made him a valued asset to the Dark Lord. He was a powerful wizard and he had special training that no other Death Eater had. His father's training had been typical of the most prominent pure-blooded families, but he had an advantage over his peers thanks to his time with the Aurors.

"Of course it's going to be to our Master's liking." Severus said with more confidence than he felt.

"I look forward to the day you finally slip, Snape, just to see that smirk wiped off your face! Even if I am going to miss your occasional presentations when it happens." Nott said. Curiosity seemed to get the better of him because he continued. "What have you been doing back there? Thinking of scenarios for the show, no doubt?"

"Our Lord will have the poison at His disposal, as He does all my potions. He will do with it as He pleases." Snape replied coolly, choosing to ignore the man's earlier comments. He worried about making a slip often enough on his own. Severus didn't need Nott pointing out the obvious – although very unwelcome – truth, that his luck wasn't going to last forever. Sooner or later he wasn't going to make it back from a gathering. As his brain persisted in remaining engaged in these grim thoughts, Severus got a nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

'Bullshit! I'm always nervous when I'm not 100 percent and no wonder! It's easier to make a mistake this way… Maybe I've been hanging around that old hag Trelawney too much?' It took all of Severus' will to keep himself from visibly shuddering as the previous vision of his own death was replaced by the image of the Divination Professor. 'Definitely the wrong train of thought…'

* * *

"Ah, Severus, my young and gifted friend, I hear you have something new for us? I do hope it is as amusing as your last potion?" Voldemort said pleasantly. The 'or else' hung in the air. 

Severus found himself having half the mind to ask 'Or else what?', but caught himself. It wouldn't do to enrage the Dark Lord, it wouldn't do at all. Severus was beginning to feel lightheaded again. The pain relieving potion and the strengthening one didn't seem to be getting along well with the carbon monoxide still in his blood.

"Yes, my Lord." He said instinctively, while his brain began thinking of chemical reactions that might be taking place in his entire blood stream. He found himself wondering, with some detached amusement, if his own **_safe _**potions wouldn't prove to have the same poisonous effect as his poisons. He felt like laughing out loud at this.

Without conscious thought, Severus' body lowered to the dirty and cold stone floor. The hard surface should have hurt his lacerated knees, but apparently the potion was still working as he barely felt a thing. Touching the stones with his forehead, Severus recognised the stench of dried blood and other matter. He felt grateful for the mask he had on his face. At least it wasn't his bare skin that came in contact with this dirt. His own blood now found it easier to reach his brain and his thoughts cleared.

Snape reached for the last thread around his neck and pulled it taut until the phial was free. He outstretched his hand in offering, biting his lower lip till the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. The indignity of it! He wanted nothing more than to get to his feet and throttle that snake of a man!

"You may rise, Severus." The Dark Lord hissed at His servant. "Take off your mask, my friend, it is hot in here, is it not?"

'More like freezing you Half-blooded baboon! Or has Your time as a mere spirit made it impossible for you to determine the temperature?' Severus sneered while he gathered himself to his feet. His own thoughts terrified him, because he was acutely aware of the weakened state of the walls around his mind. With great effort he cleared his mind just in time to be able to lift his mask.

"Yes, Master." He said and this time felt proud to have managed to keep his disgust to himself. His face was its usual unreadable mask. "I can only hope that the poison is to Your satisfaction." He bowed his dark head and once again offered the phial to Lord Voldemort. This time the man took it in His white, bony fingers. The phial had been soiled with the dirt on the ground at their feet because Severus had used his hands to support himself.

The black-haired wizard watched as the reddish brown slime attached itself to the already slimy skin. He remained impassive throughout the Dark Lord's inspection of the phial.

"I believe I have just the right person on whom we shall use this. Thank you, Severus, you have done well. I do not wish to know what this potion does, rather, let it be a surprise." The Dark Lord's laugh chilled Severus even more.

Unless he was very much mistaken, he was burning up with a fever. That couldn't be good. As he tried to concentrate and find a source of an infection or another reason for his rising temperature, he was peripherally aware of Voldemort's voice droning on near him. He'd moved to speak to Nott.

Severus took the opportunity to look about himself. The other Death Eaters had taken off their masks after the Dark Lord had **_asked _**Severus to do so. None of them seemed to have a death wish tonight.

'And what a pity that is.' Severus thought.

'Trelawney could make a living around here.' This time there was amusement lacing his thoughts as he saw Nott fall to the ground after a flash of green light hit him on the chest. He felt absolutely no regret because of the man's death, except that maybe it could have happened sooner, before the Death Eater had had the chance to torture innocent children tonight… or even before that… Anyway, Theodore Nott's life could only improve because of his father's death and Severus' first loyalty was to his students.

"Isn't that right, my young friend?" Severus heard a voice hiss in his ear. A cold breath bathed the side of his face and neck. Simultaneously, a long, skeletal finger, covered with a reddish brown substance, caressed his cheek. The odour and the cold he could bear, but the touch…

Severus flinched, immediately knowing that he would pay for his moment of weakness.

He'd been so certain that he'd got over his childhood instinct… he had… 'Oh Merlin, if only I'd been paying attention! I'd have known He was near…'

Unexpectedly, a feeling of calm spread through Severus. He schooled his features into a neutral look, knowing it would do nothing to save his life, but at least no-one would be able to say that Snape was a coward. He lifted his obsidian eyes to meet two pools of red… like blood. Those eyes looked as though they reflected the actions of the man who possessed them.

"What is this, Severus?" The Dark Lord narrowed His eyes, hatred flashing in the scarlet orbs. "Do I repulse you, Severus? Do you find the touch of your Master disgusting?" He bellowed, still not moving from Severus' personal space.

"No, Lord Voldemort." Severus replied without missing a beat. He didn't even flinch.

Dumbledore was going to find out about the attack on the orphanage anyway and there was nothing Severus could do for those children now. He might as well show his true colours! At least he would die a traitor and then everyone would know, his students would know that he hadn't been Voldemort's loyal servant! Most importantly, Draco Malfoy would know. His godson was facing a difficult decision and without Lucius, he could be turned to the Light. Draco already had doubts.

Another thought came to him. There'd been an attack on Diagon Alley planned for the upcoming week. If Severus was exposed as a spy, then the time of the attack would be changed and the Order wouldn't even know. He couldn't allow that to happen. It was the least he could do now, since he would no longer be able to provide them with information.

"Please, forgive me, my Lord. I do not seem to be acting like myself tonight." He whispered humbly, bowing his head and then falling to his knees. The sudden change of altitude made him dizzy, but he didn't care at the moment. Voldemort would kill him, but at least He wouldn't know he was a spy.

'No groveling! I will not beg for anything, especially my life!'

"Yesss." Voldemort hissed. "And yet you will have to pay for that, my dear Severus. A pity, but I cannot have my servants act like this… After all, they might feel they can betray me." The man heaved a dramatic sigh through his snake-like nostrils. "And I had such high hopes for you… **Haemorrhagia Intra!** Now, Severus, you will serve your last duty to me. You will go back to Hogwarts and give a message to Dumbledore."

"A message? Is my death to be the message You speak of, my Lord, or is there something You wish me to say?" Severus' voice didn't betray the shock he felt. He'd been anticipating the attack, what surprised him was the Dark Lord's choice of punishment.

'Bloody bastard! I'm going to bleed to death! He killed Nott, for whatever reason, with a swift Avada Kedavra and He's making **_me_** suffer! Fucking, twisted bastard!...' He stopped short in his raving as he realised that Tom Riddle pretty much had been a bastard. His lips twitched at the corners. Voldemort must have noticed Snape's amusement because His eyes turned to slits. Severus met His gaze unwaveringly, knowing that he was treading on thin ice. Somehow he just couldn't bring himself to cower humbly in front of his former Master anymore.

'Think of the consequences! Think of the consequences of your defiance!' He kept repeating the mantra and with effort managed to lower his gaze and stop himself from standing up. His knees itched and burned but he didn't think it was because of his injuries – kneeling before the Dark Lord had always felt like kneeling on hot coals to him.

"Your death will be enough. You may go." Severus didn't need to be told twice. He got to his feet gladly, but swayed. Voldemort laughed cruelly. "You would better hurry. The curse appears to be working already. Oh, and Severus, just that you should know – there is no cure for this curse, so don't bother trying to find one. I am only being so lenient with you and am letting you leave because your death at Hogwarts will serve my purpose." Severus ducked his head to hide the anger and loathing that he knew burned in his eyes. "That will show that Muggle-loving, trusting old fool!"

"Yes Lord. Thank You." Snape almost choked on those words. He backed away from Him till he felt the pressure of the door behind his back. Bowing even lower, he opened the door while still facing the Dark Lord. The evil wizard had already turned His back on him and had moved on to torment another of His Death Eaters.

Standing there, Severus hesitated. His vision blurred and he swayed again. He had a clear aim at Lord Voldemort, but what could he accomplish even if he cast the Killing Curse? He was aware of the existence of the prophecy. The only person able to kill Him was the Potter boy… Snape watched the Dark Lord torturing Rosier with the Cruciatus and his thoughts traveled back to Hogwarts, particularly to a young unruly-haired boy who was staying there for the summer. He was no match for Voldemort, not yet anyway. Harry Potter owed his life to the love of his mother and the traits she'd passed on to him. There was very little of James Potter in him. If he were as arrogant, egocentric and foolish as Potter Senior had been at his age, then there'd be little hope for Harry. The boy's future was uncertain and it wasn't looking very bright at the moment.

Severus wondered whether taking out a few Death Eaters might not prove more beneficial to their cause than enabling the Order to thwart the attack on Diagon Alley. In the end, he decided against it, accepting that it was mostly his desire to fight openly in this war that had brought these thoughts on. After all – it was his last chance. He was a dead man walking…

He walked out battling the temptation to turn back and headed for the front door. His actions couldn't cripple the Dark Lord's forces sufficiently – there was more hope that the Order could save all the people at Diagon Alley thanks to his earlier warnings than of him making a difference now.

Moving along the long, dank corridors took its toll on the weakened man. 'Of course it's irreversible! Does the snake think me a fool? How could I **_not _**know this curse?' His thoughts distracted him from the increasing pain he felt.

The cold air outside seemed warmer than what he'd endured inside Riddle's house. He was chilled to the bone. Walking, or rather staggering, away from that wretched place, Severus felt his mood lighten.

It was over. His struggle, his penance… Finally, at long last he was free of all his duties and obligations. So what if he wouldn't be there to see the Dark Lord's fall? He'd done all in his power to help the Light and now he was no longer able to be of use. The thought of taking a poison and making his death quicker crossed his mind until he remembered that he'd given it to Voldemort. He didn't have the time to complete another one…

'Oh well, I will just have to go to Hogwarts and give Albus my last report. I do want to see him again, though I'm not going to tell him about Voldemort's curse. Damn, the Order is supposed to have a meeting tonight… I'd have rather talked to Albus alone… I'm going to have to patch myself up before I go to the meeting… I'll take a strengthener, a blood replenishing potion and something for the pain too… no need bothering with nutrition tonight…' He almost smiled as he neared the Apparition point. Somehow he managed to Disapparate and Apparate in the Shrieking Shack without splinching himself. He had everything he needed to heal most of his injuries hidden inside and there was also a set of clean clothes.

With his physical strength somewhat restored, Severus swept across the grounds, his black robes billowing behind him. He'd taken enough strengthening potion to serve a half-unconscious Hagrid.

It was a warm, beautiful night. Severus gazed up at the starry sky.

'Now this I understand! Honestly, there has to be a connection between bad weather and Dark magic! Hogwarts is buzzing with pure, good magic and the weather here is never as foul as it is in Voldemort's proximity… It's always freezing wherever He is…' Severus decided to enjoy the warmth while he still could. It was so good to be home.

Snape let the corners of his mouth curve into a wry smile as he thought about the situation he was in - there was nothing he could do so he might as well find some enjoyment. There was no reason to plague himself with regrets now…

* * *

**A/N**

**I'd like to thank all my readers and especially my reviewers! I hope to receive more feedback! ;) I don't know if this is any good. Any suggestions, questions – ANYTHING – is welcome!**

**A special thanks to: **Lilith11, Oya, Silverthreads, carpathia, WeasleyGirl-ca, duj, lucidity, XiaoGui, devil's angel, TheDeathChamber **and** zafaran **for their reviews! They helped me a great deal! ;)** **Thank you, you kept me going!**

**I had problems with my computer and I lost most of this story, the chapter above included. I'm currently trying to write it all over again. I'm having problems because I only had bits and pieces on paper… Well, at least I'm in a position where I can still go either way with the story. It depends how I feel like when I'm writing, because trying to recreate all that I already had is more difficult than writing something new. ;)**

**Until next time! At least I hope so! ;D**


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